Potholes and Road Hazard Insurance: What’s Covered?

I was invited by one of the mods to share this here as a mega thread, so here goes...
Edit - apparently this saga was so long that I had to split it into two parts. This is part 1-4.
​
​
Well, apparently I need to put this in here. I do not give consent for my posts to be read/interpreted/posted to any monetized or ad-supported platform. Examples include YouTube or other platforms. Short version: If you make money off reading someone else's posts, I do not give consent for you to make money off of my posts.
​
PART 1:
After years of hearing stories of problems with HOA's (and having no tolerance for busybodies ourselves) my wife and I were both solidly in agreement that we would never purchase a home in an HOA.
When we finally did find a house and purchased it, we knew for a fact that we were NOT in an HOA. However, just behind us, we learned there was a (not really) HOA.
About a week after we moved in, there was a knock on the door. One of the neighbors behind us, announcing that she was President of the HOA, and welcoming us to the neighborhood. Seems civil enough, but we asked, "what HOA".
"Oh, we're behind you, the home behind yours is where the HOA starts."
"Ok, that's nice, nice to meet you..." Just general pleasantries.
We were hopeful. We were shocked, even. Someone associated with the management of an HOA that wasn't a complete busybody psychopath!
How wrong we were.
The way our lot was, there was a sliver of green space between our property line and the sidewalk, in a somewhat triangular shape (the street ran west southwest, our property line ran due east-west). So there was a wedge of land there. We'd always been told that this belonged to the HOA, yadda yadda - no big deal, just meant we didn't have to deal with the upkeep of this land.
Now that this set up is all in place, it's time to start the story of how we got the (not really an) HOA dissolved.
We had a couple of trees in our yard. Literally on the property line, so we took responsibility for taking care of these things. They're *MASSIVE*. They're also a pain in the butt, incredibly dense/heavy, and because of the way the limbs grow, they're prone to splitting and dropping limbs. There was a huge limb that extended way out into the street adjacent to the green space owned by the HOA. This thing was a major risk of dropping and severely injuring/killing someone. We didn't want that on our conscience (or our insurance!) and so we decided to take that limb down entirely, as well as clean out a lot of the deadwood in the two trees. Hired an arborist, they came out, did their thing. $1400 later, we were left with some decent sized rounds that we were going to move over the next weekend (I was out of town the first weekend after we removed the limb). I should not that the wood was neatly stacked in the green space on the barkdust, out of everyone's way, and in no way a hazard or eyesore.
Enter the shrieking harpy...er.. .President of the "HOA". My wife had stepped out the door the day I had left on my trip and she pulls up into our driveway, rolls down the window, and starts yelling at my wife:
"YOU NEED TO MOVE THAT WOOD NOW!!!!! THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY OF THE HOA!!! MOVE IT NOW!!!!"
My wife is *not* a confrontational type. She's also somewhat petite, and tried to explain to the harpy that I was out of town and that we would be moving it as soon as I got back in town the next weekend.
Nope, not good enough. She shrieks at my wife some more, and my wife ends up grabbing the wheelbarrow and somehow moves this stack of rounds (some of them weighed close to 100 lbs) around the fence, up our driveway, and into the backyard. She was pissed.
So was I. We knew where the harpy lived, so when I got back I went over to talk to her, and explain that I was rather displeased in how she treated my wife. Didn't pound on the door, wasn't aggressive or anything.
They wouldn't answer the door. Cowards (we knew they were home).
This left us with a bit of a displeased taste in our mouth. The next spring, the hedge that is planted outside of our fenceline, well, it wasn't maintained very well, and pushed over two sections of our wooden fence. So I emailed the harpy and explained that their hedge had damaged our fence.
"It's not our hedge!"
"um... it's growing in your green space"
"That's not our green space!"
Waitwut?
"Then why the [censored] did you decide to screech at my wife last summer when we had the wood stacked there
Silence.
Well, at that point I fixed the fence so our dog wouldn't escape, after pruning the laurel back sufficiently that it wouldn't damage the fence again. And started making some phone calls. I contacted the county, and ended up speaking to about seven different departments in order to figure out who actually owned that strip of land. After probably two weeks of trying to find the right people to talk to, I got to the roads division. The green space was marked as part of the right of way for the road, and therefore no one actually "owned" that space.
"So I can chop down that ugly overgrown hedge that's encroaching on the sidewalk and knocking down my fence?"
"Yep," says the kind gentleman from the roads division.
"As an aside," he asked, "you mentioned something about there being an HOA associated with the plots to the east of your property?"
"Yeah?"
"well, part of what took me so long to get an answer for you is that it turns out there is no HOA registered with the county there, so we were looking in the wrong place entirely......"
"Wait, there's no HOA there?"
"No, hasn't ever been one since that subdivision was built..."
"Huh.... Interesting...."
And a plot was hatched.
We had befriended a couple of people within the neighborhood behind us, and they were rather fed up with Ms. "President of the HOA" and her antics. She was the typical busybody, bullying anyone she didn't like, and apparently for the last 10 years or so had been collecting HOA "dues" from everyone in the neighborhood to the tune of $300/year. There were 36 homes in the "HOA". Right around $100,000 in dues. For a non-existent HOA. With no real maintenance. Oh, they hosted an annual block party - potluck style.... They pulled weeds from the green space - on a volunteer basis.
So I did what any red-blooded American would do. I got 36 envelopes. 36 stamps. And printed off 36 copies of a letter with my findings from the county that there was not now, nor ever had been for the recorded history of the subdivision, any HOA, neighborhood association, or any similar organization. And that they, collectively, had paid in excess of $100,000 in dues over that time to a non-existent entity, plus any fines the non-existent HOA had decided to levy.
The neighbors, in turn, did exactly what any red-blooded American would do.
They sued the hell out of her for every penny they'd paid over the last 10 years.
Won, too.
And there's no longer an "HOA" behind us.
EDIT: Forgot to mention this. In all the digging into this mess, we learned she's a real estate agent. I figure I'll wait until she pisses me off again and report this whole mess to the state's real estate licensing board. *evil grin*\
Edit to the edit: as others have pointed out, this needs to be reported to the licensing board. Will look into that process....
Edit of the edit to the edit: I have sent an initial e-mail to my state's Real Estate licensing board (Real Estate Agency), and will post any updates as things develop. I did look her up in the licensing system, apparently she's licensed as a principal broker for her agency. This should get interesting.
Edit the fourth: And this should be interesting - her license is up for renewal at the end of this month. This should put one hell of a speed bump in that process. *evil grin*
Regarding the criminal charges, since I wasn't a victim of the fraud, that's not something I can pursue. However, I spoke w/ my friend who was one of her victims and he and his wife are talking to other people they trust about coming together and seeking criminal charges.
​
PART 2:
Today, my wife and I had dinner with our friends who were among the victims of this psycho. And I learned a lot. Probably definitely more than I should have. I learned a lot about the lawsuit that was filed when I sent out the letters revealing that there was no HOA. There was, in fact, a settlement to make the lawsuit go away. I will say this, the Harpy got a good lawyer. A *really* good lawyer. One of the terms of the settlement was that the total amount remain undisclosed, but our friends confirmed that they were made whole. Another part of the settlement was a pretty stringent non-disclosure agreement.
I'm gonna have to start pretty far back in this mess, because it explains a lot about how this all went down. The subdivision that Harpy lives in was built back in 2000. And it turns out that at the time the subdivision was built, she was the first one to buy in this brand new neighborhood. The developer had actually planned to set up an HOA (the correct way) but because of delays in construction and selling the homes, they never actually set it up. [Based on one of the comments below and a glance at the relevant state law, this is apparently bad information that was passed on to me.] That didn't stop Ms. Harpy though, not at all. So as soon as the next owners moved in, she reached out to them. "Hi, welcome to the neighborhood. We are setting up a neighborhood association, a voluntary HOA if you will. That way we can take care of the common areas, and keep property values up." The usual excuses behind an HOA.
Well, after the first 5-6 houses were bought and the owners moved in, and agreed to this voluntary "HOA", well... The pitch changed. It went from a "neighborhood association" to just a straight, "Hey, welcome to the neighborhood. I'm the president of the HOA, nice to meet you!" Most people went along with it. They figured they had missed something in the disclosures, or in the listing, or something. But this was a brand spanking new subdivision. And at the time, you couldn't find a brand new subdivision that *didn't* have an HOA. There were a few people that *did* in fact pay attention. When called on it, she would change her pitch back to the "Well, it's not *really* an HOA.... It's more a voluntary neighborhood association... But we do have some rules we've all agreed to (that it turns out she wrote all on her own), and we do collect a small amount of money, just $25 a month, that's not unreasonable, is it? Just to keep up the common areas, and the rules help keep everyone's property values up!"
All of that came to light during the depositions and testimony in this lawsuit.
And she sold them on it. Everyone signed the "rules" (She even called them CC&R's - with the argument that this gave them a certain legal weight to be able to enforce the rules), either under the guise of the "HOA", or the "Neighborhood Association". By the time all the properties were initially sold, it was roughly 2:1, those that thought it was an HOA, and those that thought it was just a voluntary association. And as people sold, and new owners moved in, well, the HOA pitch just got easier to sell. To the point that at the time of the lawsuit, it was somewhere between 3:1 and 4:1.
As testimony was wrapping up, her attorney put forward a proposed settlement. I was able to find out from my neighbor that in this proposed settlement the only people that would be, in the legal jargon, "made whole" were the ones that signed on under the impression that it was a legitimate HOA. Her attorney successfully argued to the judge that the people who signed up under the "voluntary neighborhood association" were not actually defrauded, and therefore couldn't be a part of the settlement. That *really* pissed off those people.
Because of the timing of the whole house of cards tumbling down around her, she had sufficient equity in her house that she was able to refinance her mortgage and pay the settlement amount. So she had to pay a lot of people back out of her own pocket, losing that equity that she had built up over the last ten years. I'm guessing that her husband was *not* in on the scam, as he was not one of the named parties in the suit, and he filed for divorce in the middle of the lawsuit. As for how he didn't know? No clue. Maybe she just had him convinced that her commissions from real estate sales were just that good. I have no idea what the terms of the divorce were, but it was apparently rather acrimonious. Our friends more than once heard shouting matches from the Harpy's house as they were out walking the neighborhood.
So hopefully that clarifies how she was able to sucker people in. Our friends were some of those that were convinced that it was a legitimate HOA, and they told us that she was so smooth, so convincing, that they didn't doubt it for a minute. At least that meant that they were "made whole" even though they couldn't legally disclose how much they got back.
Now, for more recent happenings. One of the things we talked about tonight was our neighbors going to the district attorney and pursuing criminal charges. Well, they talked to the DA's office this morning, and apparently the statute of limitations has passed. For a crime like this, even though it would be a felony level charge, the statute of limitations is only 3 years for that type of crime. BUT I passed on to them the idea of reporting her to the IRS. Since they were among those who lost money, I figure it's only fair that they get the reward if there is one. They both got a rather gleeful look at that idea. So yeah, that should be interesting.
One of the reasons that I said the Harpy got a good lawyer was that one of the terms of the non-disclosure agreement was that if they signed on to the settlement, they agreed not to report her to any professional board or any licensing agency. So she obviously had concerns that something like this might possibly, just maybe, perhaps have an impact on her license as a real estate agent.
Too bad for her that I wasn't part of that settlement. Because after my initial email to the state Real Estate Agency, I got a response back this morning, and after a couple of more e-mails back and forth, I was interviewed over the phone by the head of the professional standards division. They appeared to be *very* interested to hear what I had to say. I gave a recorded statement on the grounds that it would remain confidential (don't want her trying to make my life a living hell). And at dinner tonight, I learned that our friends have a pretty good friendship with several of the people that were *NOT* paid off in the settlement agreement, since they signed up under the "voluntary neighborhood association". The ones her lawyer insisted were not defrauded and therefore couldn't be part of the settlement. Which means they also are not covered under that pesky little non-disclosure agreement.
Before I started writing this update, I e-mailed the names and contact information for three of those owners who still live in the neighborhood to the head of the professional standards division. Because while I had to deal with her craziness and general pain-in-the-assitude, I didn't actually lose any money. But actual victims of her scam? I imagine their testimony will carry quite a bit more weight with professional standards. I also (solely for their convenience) included the state court case number for the lawsuit. Who knows, maybe they can see the records of the lawsuit and the terms of the settlement since they are a state agency.
That, kind Redditors, brings us up to today. If I hear more updates (which hopefully I will through my friends) I will gladly share them here, and I'll happily answer any questions I can.
PART 3:
And now, for Part 3 ladies and gentlemen, a couple of new characters have been introduced. Government agencies have gotten involved.
My friend and neighbor texted me this afternoon, saying only, "CALL ME!!!"
As soon as I was able to, I gave him a call. And he could barely stop chuckling.
He caught me up a bit. After we'd talked the other evening, he'd started talking to some of the people in the neighborhood. And it turns out that Ms. Harpy of the Not-Really-an-HOA is apparently kind of a slow learner. Because in the last couple-three years, while she hasn't tried to bilk anyone else out of their money, some of the newer owners in the neighborhood were being told that there was still a "neighborhood association" and she kept trying to enforce arbitrary rules on people. Except everyone had heard about her antics. And promptly told her to get bent. So if anything, her nonsense has actually created a more cohesive neighborhood. Everyone is united in hating her! :D
But that's not the reason he was chuckling. He was chuckling because he'd just gotten off the phone with an IRS agent. Now normally, that's not your expected reaction when speaking to anyone from the government with the word "Agent" attached to their title in any way. But no. He was chuckling after he spent over an hour on the phone detailing everything he knew about her dealings as "president of the HOA". As well as providing contact info for quite a few others in the neighborhood who knew what had happened over the years. I *really* hope I get to hear more about what happens with the IRS.
As if that wasn't enough good news, I popped over to the state real estate licensing board website (I've been checking it every day since I spoke to the head of professional standards) and saw this:
https://i.imgur.com/4zpahUU.jpg
Sorry I had to redact the hell out of that, but I really want to try to keep this entertaining for you all here while maintaining anonymity.
If I may direct your attention to the section titled "License Information" the column titled "Status"
Additionally, if I may direct your attention to the "Disciplinary Action" section, specifically the columns titled "Resolution" and "Found Issues".
From a little cursory reading of state law and associated regulations, this decision is temporary until the full investigation is completed. Once that happens, the professional standards board will decide if there is to be permanent action against her license. If there is, then there will be a date in the "order signed date" column, and a *really* entertaining link in the "documents" column in the disciplinary action section that lays out the entire case, from start to finish. (I've read a couple of documents in other cases I found where there was a final order - and wow, they lay *EVERYTHING* out).
So there we have it Reddit. I was almost kinda feeling bad for bringing up stuff from years ago to government agencies, but the fact that she is *still* trying to pull off this crap (albeit without the money part) made any of that evaporate like the HOA she thought she had. So it may be the end, or it may not, but at least for now, we've reached the conclusion of the saga of the Harpy of the Not-Really-an-HOA.
PART 4
For those who have read my scribbling on here regarding the Harpy of the Not-Really-An-HOA, hopefully you have enjoyed the saga so far. I am adding this last post on here as a place to put the aftermath of this saga and any updates that I may hear. Because unbelievably, this is a crazy situation that just keeps on giving.
When last we left Ms. Harpy, she was being investigated by the state Real Estate Licensing board, as well as the IRS.
Well, I learned something interesting in this whole saga. Apparently, while the statute for limitations for criminal tax evasion is only three years (or possibly 6 years, depending on the situation), there is apparently no statute of limitations on how far back they can go in civil court. So while she may dodge any federal charges of tax evasion, the IRS will be crawling up in her business however the heck far they want. I suspect that will end.. poorly (and expensively) for her.
Additionally, the state department of revenue has also caught wind of this. Can't imagine how that may have happened. Similar to the feds, while they can't charge her criminally on the tax evasion, I'm sure they also will be digging through all of her tax records for the last, oh, FOREVER.....
I've already had an interview with a rather pleasant IRS agent, and was able to go through everything that I knew, the timeline for what happened, and how it was that I discovered there was not an actual HOA there. When I explained how this all started because she decided to be a bitch about a couple of relatively small issues, and it has since snowballed into, well, THIS, she (the agent) laughed so hard it took us several minutes to get back on track. And she continued to chuckle and giggle throughout the rest of the interview.
And the state department of revenue has contacted me as well, wanting to set up a time for an in person meeting. So that will be fun. :)
I've considered going to the local news media about this as some suggested, but decided against it for a couple of reasons. The story isn't really as fresh as it was 7 or so years ago when it was all going down, and I doubt the news medias ability to keep my name out of it... Maybe not on the air, but somehow it would slip. And that would add needless complication to my life. If somehow she avoids getting her real estate license revoked, maybe that will change the equation enough to where it might be worth letting the media know. Plus it gives them a recent hook to tie the story into. "State Real Estate board refuses to revoke license of crooked agent! News at 11!". You get the gist.
I don't have the screenshot of it, but on the state licensing board website, there's three new items in the "Disciplinary action" section of her license. An additional proposed suspension sanction, and two proposed revocation sanctions. I'm guessing the second proposed suspension is so she can't default back to a "regular" real estate agent. And the proposed revocation sanctions are for her Principal Broker and regular Real Estate agent licenses as well. So that will be interesting to see what happens once it's finalized. I imagine that process will not be quick. Once I get home tonight and have a chance to redact the relevant information from the screenshot, I'll post that as well.
I've heard through my friend who lives in the subdivision that there have been several people contacted by the state Real Estate board, as well as the state department of revenue and the IRS to set up interviews (and some have already been completed).
And just out of curiosity, I checked the website for the local branch of the national real estate company she works for. And lo and behold, she's no longer listed on there as either the principal broker or an agent, and someone else is listed as principal broker. I'm going to take this development as a cautious agency making sure they don't get caught up in any legal messes. But I think someone just learned the lesson, "you are merely a cog in this machine. you are easily replaced."
In a final bit of entertainment for this saga, I was shown several screenshots by my friend of a post in the subdivision's Facebook page that was quite, well, I guess entertaining would be a great word. She's since deleted the post, but essentially she was on there shrieking about how they were "all" under a non-disclosure agreement, and she was apparently threatening to sue any of them that talked to anyone for violation of the NDA. This was met by cricket chirps from anyone who knew what was going on, but there were several "what the hell is she talking about" type of posts by a few of the newer owners who weren't in the know. But my favorite response was by someone who apparently is an attorney (based on how they phrased things) who wasn't here when the not-an-HOA was in effect (she's only lived in the neighborhood for about a year) but apparently caught a quick heads up from somebody. The short version of her post was that while she wasn't aware of the particulars of what was going on, she stated that NDA's don't cover someone answering questions from a regulatory or investigatory agency, either state or federal, as well as not covering any testimony being given under oath. And trying to bully someone into not speaking to such an agency by means of an NDA or otherwise might even be considered witness tampering or intimidation. And a few hours later the Harpy's post (and all the associated replies) mysteriously disappeared... But you know, FB will gladly hand over the whole conversation with a subpoena. And the IRS does not mess around with the possibility of witness tampering. So maybe she might end up facing criminal charges after all. Depends on how stupid she gets, I guess. If past performance is any kind of indicator, she may very well get to spend some time in the gray bar hotel.
And as any more updates come in, I'll add them on as edits to this post so there's one convenient place to watch for updates.
MAJOR UPDATE!!! See the attached photo. The state Real Estate Agency has finalized their orders on her license. Folks, I wish I could share the text of the final orders associated with this action. But because it is public record, it is also searchable, and would all too easily reveal her identity and open the doors to headaches for me and my family. So I'll summarize. The first revocation for Fraud or Dishonest Conduct and Failure to Disclose is of her Principal Broker license. The second revocation, for Incompetence or Untrustworthiness and Records, that's for her regular real estate agent license. There are some bombshells in the final orders. Apparently, as a few people suspected in the comments, there was a lot more happening than just what was happening in her neighborhood. I was shocked at how quickly the final order was released (from what I was seeing in other cases of revocations, the investigation usually lasts anywhere from three to six months). But reading the final orders, the Principal Broker revocation was based mostly on the information in the lawsuit that was filed by the neighbors back in 2012 and the ensuing settlement. However, their investigation apparently turned up quite a bit of other STUFF. Including lying to clients, falsifying records, not disclosing relationship between herself and sellers or buyers, and other instances of outright fraud. I will quote one line nearly verbatim from both final orders... Because it's just so delicious to read:
"While this Board has taken the strongest action granted by the [APPLICABLE STATE STATUTES], much of the information that was discovered during the course of this Board's investigation is beyond the purview of this Board. Therefore we are turning over all records and witness testimony to the [REDACTED] County District Attorney and the [STATE REDACTED] Department of Justice, Criminal Justice Division for further action."
https://imgur.com/qDKNVTg
ANOTHER UPDATE!: Folks the world of legal hurt his woman has brought onto herself just continues to avalanche. This morning, I had walked my daughter to her school bus stop (right on the corner where the not-an-HOA starts) and a unmarked SUV with government plates comes around the corner. Picture every unmarked law enforcement SUV you've seen in a movie. That stereotypical. And they park a couple of doors down from the Harpy's house. I risked being a couple minutes late to work to watch what was about to unfold. And was not in the least bit disappointed. Because out of the vehicle step two individuals wearing dark blue jackets with bright yellow letters. Some very specific letters. BIG letters that may or may not have spelled out "IRS" and underneath in smaller letters the words "Special Agent".
I may have giggled when I got to my truck. I may have laughed uproariously on my drive in to work. Because the first thing I did was look up just how big of a poop-pile she may have landed in. Apparently, a really deep one. Because from what I could find, the only people authorized to wear the "Special Agent" jacket are in the IRS's Criminal Investigation Division.
I texted my friend who lived in the neighborhood this as I was leaving for work around 7:15 this morning.He texted me back around 10ish.... He's been watching all of this unfold out his front window since I texted him. In addition to the original SUV (which is now right in front of her house) there's another SUV there as well. Apparently some other people wearing IRS jackets (just without the "Special Agent") got out of the second SUV, and he just saw them carrying out some "banker's boxes" sealed with red tape, and a couple of computers. And because this poo-pile is not yet deep enough, apparently they were checking something (assuming VIN) on the Mercedes SUV she started driving a few months ago.
I'll update this as he sends me more info. We're seeing the undoing of the Harpy in nearly real-time.... Oh, how sweet it is.
The second post (parts 5-8) can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/NuclearRevenge/comments/kst2vl/how_i_got_a_not_really_an_hoa_disbanded_and/

Navigation		Destinations
« Back	26	Forward »
1-10	11-20	21-30
« Beginning		End »

Note: This is a complete standalone story. It ties into the larger story arc (specifically side events on how other systems are handling an invasion problem) but doesn't require any backstory to be complete by itself.
​
​
With A Sound Like Thunder
Fifteen miles of payload tether burned an arc across the evening sky five thousand miles long, so hot and bright it was difficult to look at directly.
Half the population of Seraherd township stood on the roof of the processing plant, hands shading concerned eyes while they talked in low tones. More than a few passed a bottle around, tipping measured draughts into offered cups as their skyhook left a smoking trail from one end of the horizon to the other. Alcohol wasn't in their resource portfolio; no official still or moonshine apparatus ever found its way onto the colony shipment manifests. But they were resourceful. Colonists always found a way to provide for themselves; it was a point of pride so ingrained as to be almost religion. Not to mention agro cattle feed was mostly soy and corn to begin with so half the booze supply practically fell into their laps every harvest. But the pride thing mattered most.
The sonic boom began twenty minutes later, riding two hundred fifty miles of atmosphere to reach their town.
Bass so low it was more felt than heard rolled across the hills, shivering bioengineered quick-grow wheat and sending anything lightweight rattling around like it had legs and a bad attitude. It was a primal sound that spoke of danger: Thunderstorms, tornados, earthquakes. The holding pens east of the quarter-mile square plant turned into agitated waves of movement, groups of cattle shifting restlessly as ancient instincts pushed them to seek cover, find shelter... or just plain run until they left behind whatever predator was coming. Which would have been quite a trick as the boom went on and on, chasing the blazing end of the tether across the horizon in a shockwave seven times the speed of sound.
Agro cattle were huge-- twenty-two hundred pounds of meat after processing. They were immensely strong as well, easily able to flip a solid steel drone combine if one had a mind to. But they sure as hell weren't fast. And running away from that vengeful burning spike of fire in the sky would require a flat sprint of nearly a mile per second. That right there would be some supersonic beef protein.
Oscar Hile couldn't make himself believe that was possible.
Although to be fair he didn't consider himself to be the imaginative sort anyways. Downright practical, honestly. It was only lately (while watching the slow, spectacular death of the orbital tether) that he really started imagining things. He pictured just how much worse it would have to be from the spaceport, directly underneath the hook. In his mind's eye it was a mass of burning gantries and support structures, slagged buildings slowly toppling over on each other. Sonic booms so loud trees came right up out of the ground with the bark ripped off. Everything remotely flammable catching fire from radiant heat. Access roads so cooked construction vehicles sunk into them like soft candy, only to slowly harden into statues as the searing tether passed by. Then doing it all over again as the giant lift assist swung through again sixteen hours later, pitiless and unstoppable.
This imagination thing might be a bit overrated.
While Oscar considered the merits of human creativity he kept half an eye on the herds, watching for a stampede. Animals could become accustomed to anything-- humans included-- but even after three days of sonic booms you just never knew when one of them would suddenly take it as a signal to run. And when a couple thousand of anything got going it was best to get out of the way. Or start checking if your property insurance covered a hundred thousand hoof dents.
The other half of his attention was occupied with Jeffrey Hentley, the local Colony head currently holding court from the top of a turned-over harvest crate. Between the agro animals and Head Hentley he wasn't quite sure which might cause more long term damage.
"-preemptive attack! That's right; I heard it from the GravComm not even two hours ago. Corporate headquarters issued an advisory that our entire system is being invaded in a hostile takeover! Can you believe it?" Jeffrey certainly could. His black eyes and ruddy face pointed at everyone in the small crowd, energetic and animated. Some people saw adversity as a reason to buckle down and find solidarity with their neighbors. Others, like their colony head, saw it as opportunity. "But what is even better-- even better, hear this!-- is the bounty for aiding in the fight! For every person that signs up, a generous stipend will be added to our entire colony balance every week, to be redeemed when Corporate regains full control of the system! And I, for one, will be-"
"Who's invading?" That was Pat Irons, yelling from the back of the crowd. Oscar knew without even looking around. Pat had a voice made for calling fieldhands across a Colony mile-- raw, rough, undeniable. He didn't yell; he just sort of refused to acknowledge the existence of obstacles in between his mouth and the person receiving the words. It helped he was built like a rain barrel with four limbs attached, hands rougher than old leather. "Who 'xactly are we fighting with? We're a Colony, for crying out loud! Our value is our production!"
The crowd muttered about that, agreeing. It was true: They made what they ate, sold generous leftovers by the megaton and in between their planet grew more habitable every year. On the Corporate ledger they were firmly in the black, even with hundreds of atmosphere processors running and high altitude terraforming bombs every year. But as a target to attack? Ludicrous. How do you seize crops that aren't grown? Cattle that haven't calved?
Hentley hesitated, derailed from his personal speech at the interruption. He squinted at the dark crowd, picking out Pat from a sea of rough denim and stained work jackets. "Well, Corporate says they're-- I mean we are fighting drones. That's right! Drones. The enemy is so cowardly they sent machines at us!" He picked up steam again, pointed outward toward (presumably) space. "Right now two warships are holding off the invaders, but even their best efforts couldn't keep them off our resource stations! I'm told the system headquarters is nearly overrun and now we're seeing landings on both Colony planets. Not to mention the loss of our shuttle tether: That will set us back decades!"
Another mutter through the crowd, rippling loud enough to be heard over the continuous rumble of the skyhook entering atmosphere. Corporate stations and system transit was one thing; they didn't get involved and the spaceheads returned the favor. It was widely accepted that for anything in vacuum they could expect Corporate to handle it (at a premium, of course), which also included an unspoken caveat to keep cutthroat budget fights far away from their gravity well. But bringing the fight Colonyside was another matter: That was personal. A betrayal of the silent agreement.
"So we're fighting drones? Metal boxes, with weapons on them?" Gerald Garner that time. Oscar could almost picture the old timer nervously plucking at his overall pockets while he talked. "How are we supposed to fight that? With what? Farming machinery and cattle prods? I got two daughters at home, how can you expect-"
Oscar tuned out the debate as he noticed Harland Gum come up the stairwell and onto the roof, floppy boonie hat thrown back and an annoyed frown on his bearded face. He paused briefly at the top, knocking mud and manure off his boots, then caught Oscar's one armed wave and ambled over with an easy grace. "Hey there, Prickles." He thrust a hand out in a crushing handshake, then plucked a sheaf of papers from one front pocket. "Got them maps you were asking for. Most of the western range here, where all them ships crashed a while back."
"Any trouble getting copies?" Oscar accepted the folded maps, flipping them open to the range markers with a prospector's deft touch. "Corporate on you for it?"
"Nah, I know Sandra down at Archives. Used to see her on the side-like when we first settled in. Quit off it a couple of months in, but we're still a bit sweet." Blue eyes roamed the crowd, then settled on the Colony head. "He pitching them on being some kind of militia?"
"Seems like it." He unfurled maps along the edge of the roof, lining up markers until they were staring down at hill ranges with a birds-eye view. He spotted Seraherd colony right away, a small dot for seven thousand souls nestled right at the bottom of the north hills. Flat country bordered them on the south, hundreds of miles' worth bioengineered grasslands and micro-seeded waterways that abruptly ended at the edge of the terraform markers. All of it marked off with seasonal rotations for the herds. West of them was more grassland, bisected at a distance with a long red scar over the remains of Palos-1's spaceport. Hazard and danger symbols covered the map over there, warning of imminent collapse of the skyhook. But east..
He tapped the map to the east, just over some alluvial hills. "That's them?" Four small red circles encompassed an area about fifteen miles square. It was a lopsided pattern with small gaps, like someone flicked red ink onto the map and smeared it while cleaning up.
Harland glanced down and nodded. "Yup. Ships crashed down in that area. Can't get a better reading-- satellites stopped responding. Whatever got the tether station must have also snapped our birds out of orbit. Speaking of which, did our Head over there explain anything about that?" He pointed unsubtly at Hentley, who was currently in the middle of a wheedling argument with a coalition of produce farmers.
"Drones." Oscar grunted the explanation. One slim finger traced a path from the crash sites to Seraherd, tapping small black dots along the way. "These farming homesteads; they reported in lately? Anyone visited, talked to them?"
"Drones, he says." Harland looked quietly amused. "I think we both know that's some quality bullshit, Prickles. We both been in enough engagements to know that autonomous combat crap doesn't work. Hell if Corporate could replace us with machines they'd 'ave done it by now!" He slicked a thick head of black hair backwards with both hands, then ran fingers through an absurdly luxurious beard. "Don't fuckin' miss it for a second. Grooming standards? Ugh."
"Hale." Oscar tapped the map and looked up at the taller man, grey eyes intense. "The homesteads?"
"Oh, it's 'Hale' now, is it? You must be feeling the old days. Or maybe our boxtop prophet over there got you spun up a bit. And before you blow your top, Prickles, that's a hard negative. Homesteads not reporting in, even before we lost satellites." The humor drained out of him by degrees, taking a little humanity with it. He crossed both arms over a barrel like chest, rolled sleeves pulling up to display tattoos on both biceps. "What are you thinking?"
"Not sure." While Harland reveled in the loss of grooming standards, Oscar still kept his shaved to regulation Navy standard. Force of habit, mostly-- he couldn't imagine doing otherwise. But it left him without anything to do with his hands while thinking through a problem. He jammed both into the stained overall pockets. "Still got your Ricochet?"
"Those are illegal for Colonists to own."
"So that's a yes?"
"It's a maybe, dammit. Look, hey: I've seen you like this before and yeah, there's shit going down." He motioned towards the setting sun and the black scar of smoke trailing the skyhook's uncontrolled re-entry. "But that don't mean we have to get involved. Dead stars and supernovas, we bought out our contracts! We don't owe Corporate startups a damn thing any more. Can't we just... settle? Come on."
For a brief second Oscar genuinely considered it. Just let it go, work the herds, spend evenings in the town's small community hall buying drinks for women with an ear for off-world stories. They'd been doing well for the last three years at being civilians. But responsibility wasn't something he could really put a leash on. It was what made Oscar a good Acquisitions team leader, let him climb the Corporate ladder one engagement at a time, taking Harland with him the whole way. Responsibility and preparedness saved lives... but they were also habits: Once you picked them up it took more imagination than Oscar had to just throw them away again.
Harland read him like a book. "Oh fuck me with a stun stick."
"It's just a quick check." He threw both arms up in a 'what can you do?' expression.
"For drones. Autonomous, combat equipped drones without any sort of human assistance." Harland kicked the edge of the roof in frustration, knocking more mud off his boots and drawing a few surprised looks from the crowd. He waved them off with a big smile, then lowered his tone to a hiss. "You know that's bullshit! Nothing operates by itself for very long. It just... quits. Or runs into a color it can't process and hard locks. Or starts shooting at moving bushes until the power runs out."
"I know, I get it." Oscar looked up. "But still. The hell is going on? Stations getting overrun? Warships -- multiple warships!-- in prolonged battles for weeks? Weeks?" He snorted in disbelief. "You've seen what those things can do. We've been aboard when just one of those behemoths sterilized a whole startup system. Tell me two of them fighting anything for weeks makes any kind of sense."
There was a long pause, filled only with a steady rumble of distant sonic booms and the closer mumble of low speed propaganda.
"Fine! Fuck, you got me!" Harland looked annoyed enough to chew nails. "I can't think of anything a warship wouldn't atomize in an hour or less. But you're not going to convince me we're fighting dumb-as-rocks drones, especially not some sort of crash-landed... I dunno, robot recon force bullshit."
"Robot recon force?" Oscar looked faintly impressed. "Where did you get that?"
"Some of us watch entertainment feeds once in a while, Prickles." He levelled a stubby finger at Oscar's amused smile. "I'll get my Ricochet, give me an hour to dig it up and get ready. You're driving. I'm going to be drinking. But listen to me real good," he glared, beard and stylized hair in full, glorious display. "It ain't any kind of fucking drone."
"I cannot believe it's fucking drones."
Oscar shifted slightly, trying to find a more comfortable spot on bare rock. They were both currently belly-down across a shale escarpment, overlooking an extensive crash site below. Less than a mile away the wrecked remains of a transport thrust a burned metallic fuselage into the night sky like a raised middle finger, torn and curled metal flayed upwards at every angle. An impact crater a quarter mile south and a long slide mark full of debris showed how it ended up in that position. The crash itself must have been pretty spectacular: Bio-wheat fields were burned back a half mile along the entire length.
But what really had their attention were the drones.
"No, seriously. There has to be a human controller in there somewhere. Guiding those things, tasking goals, getting them directed." Harland looked pissed off on a professional level. "They never work on their own."
"Anything organic that went down on that freighter either got smashed into paste or incinerated." Oscar turned slightly, panning the scope of his Ricochet along the crash site below. "What the hell are they doing?"
Below them a churning mass of drones crawled on and around the ship remains like horrific spiders. Each machine was roughly triangular in shape with blunt, rounded corners and beveled long edges. The casing looked about three to four inches thick, made of some kind of mottled metallic looking composite that flashed a rainbow of oily colors when the light hit it just right. There didn't seem to be a defined front or a back to the things: They moved in any direction by flipping themselves completely over or skittering along their edges, pulled or flung by a series of cables that snapped out of each corner. Every now and then a group of them would suddenly snap together, cables pulling and compressing the triangular casings into complex open-sided hexagons.
That last behavior gave Oscar goosebumps. He spent several minutes zoomed in on one of the hexagons, ignoring Harland's complaints in favor of focusing on the small movements within. "Factories."
"-absolutely stupid, how could anyone even trust a machine to wait, what?" He cut off mid-rant. "Say again?"
"I think those are factories. The hexagon things they combine into. See how some of them bring pieces of the ship inside the shapes, then a little later another drone will drop out? They're making more of themselves somehow, inside there."
Harland got low, then snuggled into his Ricochet scope. Five feet of magnetic railgun whined as it cycled up, powering the sight and preparing a tungsten slug for deployment. Breath held, the bearded ex-trooper carefully scanned the activity below with both eyes wide open. "Alright, I see it." He exhaled slowly, controlled. "I don't believe it, but yeah-- that's what it looks like. Well... shit."
Oscar nodded in agreement, then elbow-walked backwards away from the edge to avoid skylining himself. He wasn't sure the drones used optics but old habits died hard. Clear of the edge he sat up, clicking the safety on and setting the railgun within easy reach just in case. He got out the satellite maps and laid them on the rock, tapping the red X marks over the farming homesteads. "So, they're hostile for sure. Everything between the crash sites was razed in a straight line. But are they targeting the farming homesteads, or are they just going from crash to crash for the resources?"
"Does it make a difference? That's a couple dozen people dead already." Harland patted his rifle. "I'm of a mind to spend a couple hours making incendiary loads, then sit back a couple miles and blow large, flaming holes in everything."
"That's definitely a plan." Oscar didn't look up from the map, eyes thoughtfully tracing out elevation markings.
"How come when you say it like that all I hear is 'what a horribly bad plan'?"
"I didn't say that."
"Maybe I should put large, flaming holes through you."
"I might have been thinking it." The taller man snorted in disbelief. Oscar relented, gracing his partner with an apologetic grin. "There are some... holes in that plan, though."
Harland's eyes came down to half mast. He let the pun die in the stale air, then continued to wait until the desiccated remains blew away. "I'm going to let that slide just once, Prickles. But why are large, fiery explosions not going to work?"
"Couple of reasons. First, they rode down on a broken transport and survived re-entry. That's, what? Over three thousand degrees? If we had military-grade thermal rounds or white phosphorus loads we could beat that, but otherwise I don't think it'll be good enough. Then there's the other problem."
Harland scratched his beard, then started patting his pockets. "I'm going to need another drink for this shit."
"It's quantity, since you're not interested in asking. There's too many of them, all over the place." Oscar frowned, using one fingertip to backtrace their route from town. Their path dipped and angled in places around rolling hills, but mostly ended up in a straight line from the crash site directly into Seraherd. "You're a hell of a shot, Hale-"
"Damn straight."
"-but even if you hit every single time we'd need over five thousand railgun casings. I doubt you have even a hundred, even if you managed to smuggle them out in every single piece of clothing you had when we left headquarters."
He raised one short finger in protest, then put it down again. "Okay. Good point. So I'll take the first hundred, then you can shoot the next four thousand or so."
"I have no ammunition at all, actually."
Harland recoiled with something like actual disgust. "You went full civilian? Prickles, I am... whoo. I don't even know what to say. This might be the closest I'll ever come to disowning you." Then he looked down at their rifles, side by side like two lethal birds on sleek tripods. "Wait, why the hell did you keep your Ricochet without any freaking ammunition for it?"
Memories rushed up, breaking a hard seal somewhere deep in Oscar's heart. They stormed through his mind, grabbed his hindbrain and took every emotion for a vicious joy ride through the years. Dozens of engagements. Hundreds of buddies, casualties, friends made and lost in the face of Corporate greed and hostile takeovers. Screams, explosions, triumphant yells and the cold vacuum of soundless conflicts.
He opened his mouth to explain it all, then realized he was eye to eye with Harland's sympathetic expression. "Memories."
They both looked away. Harland cleared his throat, turned and spat somewhere far out into the grass. "Yeah. Memories. Fuck 'em."
Oscar deliberately changed the subject, breaking hard away from an unspoken minefield. "Anyways, I think we have a way to take care of them all of once."
"I'm listening."
"We'll need the mining explosives from the dig site up north-- do you have any left over?" He knew the taller man was a pack rat when it came to explosives. Odds were good a couple of the small charges somehow ended up 'misplaced' into a personal backpack.
"Yup, got ten of 'em. But ten small packages isn't going to do much for that swarm down there. And I don't mind telling you I sure as shit am not volunteering to run my ass straight into them chucking bombs everywhere."
"You won't have to. In fact we might not even see them at all. Here's what we're going to do..."
Early morning in Seraherd was a quiet affair, if one ignored the constant susurrus of several thousand farm animals calling wake-up sounds to each other. Residents typically didn't get out of their premade habitations until the crack of six, when daylight was just starting to crest the horizon enough to walk around unassisted. It was better that way: The town was an agro startup, not a city, so things like streetlights and always-burning exterior LEDs were a luxury most people skipped out on. Which meant trips outside in the dark required a flashlight, a keen eye and a set of footwear you didn't mind getting a permanent slurry of animal shit stuck on.
Not to mention the town layout. Specifically the eastern side of town where the large meat processing facility was, right next to the enormous stockyards of docile protein still on the hoof. It was a fact that life on Palos-1 involved a certain knowledge of prevailing winds, most notably that night time gusts tended to travel west while daytime currents drifted eastward. Accordingly absolutely everyone lived west of the plant and fields, choosing to take the biological smells in the dead of night while they were asleep rather than suffer through sunlight-scorched biohazard breezes during the day. It made for a fragrant morning, but usually paid off later.
This was not a typical morning.
Shortly before dawn the far edge of the processing facility erupted in a cacophony of explosions, a ripping tear of five blasts in a timed series ten seconds long. It was so loud residents nearly a mile away bolted upwards in bed, hands out and clawing for light toggles as they yelled in surprise. Men hollered, women screamed and children burst into tears, sure that some kind of calamity was falling out of the sky to destroy everything. If that seemed like an oddly specific fear then, well-- it was on a lot of people's minds recently.
But the blasts had a similar (and more powerful) effect on Seraherd's primary purpose as a settlement: Their entire herd of bioengineered beef startled as one, then tore straight through the retaining wall of the paddock in a straight line away from the facility.
Oscar watched through his scope as several thousand animals stampeded shoulder to shoulder directly east in a wave nearly a mile long. It looked like a black-and-tan tide of death sweeping the grasslands, leaving nothing but pounded dirt and shattered fencing material behind. A small harvester just behind the barrier never had a chance, going over in a flash of metal as a ton of machinery got rolled, then smashed to pieces and crushed under ten thousand stomping pistons.
He panned the Ricochet upwards, tracking the stampede progress. "Harland, you copy?"
"Copy." He was only about a mile out, sitting on a hillside near where the herd would have to make a decision to cut north or stay east. "Now?"
"Give it about ten seconds." Oscar timed it, eyes intent. The lead animals reached the edge of the hills, hesitating as two directions suddenly opened up for easy access. "Go."
Somewhere out on the hillside Harland squeezed a detonator, triggering another timed series of blasts across the north hills. Instantly the lead herd animals turned away, heads down and legs pumping eastward. "That got it. They'll be on the crash site in about a minute."
With a small smile, Oscar sat up and started disassembling his weapon. "Alright, pack it up. Let's put everything away and report in for work. Don't want to scare anyone, and I have a feeling we're going to be catching stragglers off that herd for at least a week. Better get started early."
"Yes, mom." Harland sounded smug. "Hey, Prickles?"
"Yeah?"
"Ever imagine you'd be using cows as a carpet bomb?"
He laughed once, sharp and pleased. "Never. I'm not that creative."
"You don't say."

RR link
Previous chapter (RETRO COSMOS)
​ #2 - THE TWISTED HEIST ​
A star had just gone out in the distance, sending its entire system, planets and moons, into oblivion. So, what was a simple life compared to a sun? Did the human existence that earthlings highly cherished in the past deserve so much fuss?
I would say no, of course, because I’m a cat. Our condition to us felines will never have to pale in front of a shiny astronomical object. Mine specifically, don’t you think?
Oswald Avery was merely a Homo sapiens. A retired buccaneer, fermenting his adulterated wine on the carcass of a drifting supercargo; all under the remodeled features of a former Galactic Trade Company’s pilot. Alas, regardless of the genetic disguise, the FID rarely lied. It hadn’t fooled us and the masks had fallen off. Just like him.
I’m such a poet.
Anyway… Avery had had a long life of crimes and adventures. He was full of energy in his youth. And as in the universe, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, this energy was reincarnated in a nice amount in our bank account once the old picaroon flatlined.
“We finally got it! And it was a traditional Martian contract. Payable remotely, on condition that the FID is validated. How about that?”
“God… Lee … you’re talking to yourself and it’s only 8 a.m.,” Ali grunted behind me.
My couch potato of an associate had her head still stuck in the cereal box she was nibbling before falling asleep binge-watching Captain Caveman on ABC.
“To begin with, it’s 8 p.m., Martian Time. And we do have a positive balance in our bank account for the first time in months! Do you know what that means, partner?”
“Shopping, bitches!” she shouted as she hurled herself into the void, gliding to the bathroom in the weightlessness.
With the cardboard box on the top of her head, this sugar bishop was swimming after the remnant cereals that floated on her path like Ms. Pac-Man.
“Hell! Have I just opened Pandora’s box?”
The liner Danaë and its forty-eight post-nuclear Baltimore-XVIII heavy reactors made its annual cruise from Lunapolis to the suburbs of Ceres, in the belt. Its figurehead with the effigy of the Greek princess was a two hundred meters long, green ceramic statue. The size of the ship exceeded some inhabited asteroids’ diameter so it possessed its own substantial gravitational field.
“It’s quite a symbol of the decline of humanity,” I said to Ali, pointing with my chin at this unique work of art.
“Why?” my partner asked without caring whatsoever. “Spill the beans, Plato.”
The Kitty had obtained permission to dock and began its approach. I concluded then:
“Humanity no longer erects great and beautiful things without turning them into a shopping mall.”
The gold and ivory Danaë was one of the most luxurious epicenters of human decadence in the system; comprising hotels, casinos, megastores and amusement parks spread over a dozen centrifugal rings. There was something for everyone’s wallet, ready to be emptied, whether one was welcomed at the port or had joined during the crossing.
And to my great regret, the cape of the Danaë was just passing by us that week.
“I believe we should keep our savings for the maintenance of the Swallow. The dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Some parts need to be changed…”
“You’re such a bore with your adult talks,” my partner said as she left the fitting room of a luxury chain overlooking the main deck. “What do you think of that? Sexy as fuck, right?”
Her camisole didn’t hide a single inch square of flesh and I subtly pointed it out to her:
“It’s a bit of a back-alley Sally.”
I took a blow on the nose which, this time, was amply justified.
“There’s nothing chicer than Borderline. You don’t know anything about fashion. It’s crazy!”
She was furious. It was entertaining. But she was right. The human female fads were way over my head and I wasn’t a good adviser. Mostly because I didn’t care. At all.
Fortunately, the upscale shopping mall where we were staying had provided us with a free assistant who was even more servile than a decerebrate canine. As usual, the robot carrier that accompanied us did the job by flattering her with its unbearable honeyed tone:
“I find you charming, Madame. Here we have the latest fashionable lingerie on Mars. It’s an ephemeral collection that appears to have been specially made to mold your discreet curves, which seem to have been sculpted by the seraphim.”
Ali gave me a satisfied look that I pretended to ignore. Then she backtracked into the fitting room to put her black suit and pink jacket back on.
I took the opportunity to climb on the shoulders of this silly robot, servant of our servants and last link in this hierarchy whose origins go back to Ancient Egypt.
“One more move like this and I’ll turn you into a gum dispenser.”
The automaton apologized before my partner’s head emerged from behind the silk curtains which were far too fragrant for my taste.
“I just checked; it’s too expensive anyway. I ain’t buying it,” she announced. “Can you order a taxicab to take us to the hotels’ ring? You’d be a sweetheart.”
Happy to leave this irascible human with her robotic slave, I proceeded to the nearest service terminal. By the time I requested a vehicle, a flying cigarette dispenser could light me a Lucky.
“It’s forbidden to smoke in our store, Monsieur.”
The customer attaché, in his blue silk suit with elephant legs, had appeared out of nowhere. Yet, with such a shiny tie, this punk should have dazzled me from the Kuiper belt.
“Please be kind and get me a Pepper Coke instead of ruining my eyesight…” I grumbled in response.
I was in an awful mood. I definitely hated shopping. And people. Yet the pedestrian avenues of the Danaë had a very exceptional population density. Perms were making a strong comeback, as were neon tattoos and overly open flowered shirts. Under the false UVA/B sun, it was a true dance of flesh, steel and plastic bodies with assumed nudity. Implants and surgery erased the hazards of the genetic lottery for better or worse. It was so superficial. So futile. So human.
“Hello, handsome!” Ali cried out, a large smile across her face. “Lee? You didn’t tell me you knew Christophe Lambert! You know I'm a huge Highlander fan!”
My partner had just joined me, arms loaded with bags massive enough to live in it, start a family and park my chromic Pontiac Firebird. All were filled with C$400 t-shirts and sneakers that she didn’t need and would only put on once.
“No smell. Hologram,” I conclude by throwing my cigarette butt through the smiling ghost.
“Shame!” Ali sighed.
She then looked at her terminal, and continued:
“Do you think I have time to grab a watch module? There are sales in the Japanese aisle! I saw some GD-8 that would go well with my new Game Pocket! This boat is fucking rad!”
Ali could not stop humming Who wants to live forever. I had to rub my temples to avoid a migraine before the arrival of our taxicab five minutes later.
These were miniature limousines with double fake leather benches, facing each other at the back. There was a minibar with expensive multicolored drinks and sugar-soaked snacks, the sapiens’ primary source of calories and high Gs space travel drug. For the sensitive, the smart-fridge provided diet sodas with aspartame, but no one took it. Finally, there were free Gauloise cigarettes next to the ashtray on the armrest. And even Tylenol!
“What a time to be alive!”
Right after leaving the fashion district, a soft voice of a young woman, who appeared to us through the armored porthole separating her from her customers, finally emerged from the cockpit:
“Good evening! I’m Miss Meera. At your service. Hotel de Saint-Malo, correct?”
I nodded. She smiled at us. She was beautiful with her incredibly dark night metal skin that contrasted strongly with her silvery-white hair. She also had charming ivory eyes with absolutely no reflection. They were a mesmerizing void of light.
In fact, it was so rare to deal with a real person, and not an AI, that we engaged rapidly in a lovely and honest discussion with Meera. We were mostly talking about life on the Danaë. As she stated, the rules on board were very strict, even military. All was done to make sure that the customer had the most pleasant time at the expense of everything else. Finally, according to her, her condition wasn’t the most to be pitied in the cosmos. And she was fully satisfied with this precarious semi-nomadic existence.
“And what about you? Are you here on vacation or in transit for work?” she eventually asked. “What do you do for a living?”
Should we have told her that we were executing infamous people so Ali would collect expensive t-shirts and I could fulfill my nicotine addiction?
“Don’t get me wrong but I saw that you had a gun. Are you in the police… or are you pirates?”
It wasn’t the first time someone asked us this question. Although weapons were allowed on most ships and stations, it wasn’t wise to display them unless you were looking for trouble. Unfortunately, hiding such a large caliber under such a tight vest was a Herculean task.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”, simply quoted Ali, her forehead against the window covered with scented stickers.
Meera laughed before continuing:
“Very well, Al Capone. I understand that you’re not the type to let yourself be taken advantage of.”
The taxicab entered the central expressway after the water park then suddenly swerved violently to the left.
“What is going on?” I gasped.
After crushing the safety railing, we fell from one rotating bridge to the other in a frantic cavalcade. Judging by Meera’s swear words, this ride wasn’t part of the show.
Avoiding the stalls of an art market and a group of children coming out of an arcade, the driver finally managed to recover in extremis. It was about time, because within seconds we were passing through the transparent protective wall of the hotels’ deck.
“A thousand apologies! Another one of those mor… clients from the Middle System who doesn’t know how to use a rental car,” she shouted through the window. “Are you guys hurt?”
“No, thanks to you,” I replied, my tail spiked over my head, taped to Ali’s neck now decorated with bloody scratches.
Although my human forehead now had a bump on it the size of a golf ball, it was true that Meera had just saved our lives. This young girl had unsuspected driving talents despite taxicabs’ lack of handling. She didn’t belong here, playing the steward in a yellow circus uniform. This woman should have been a fighter pilot; or a NASCAR driver on Canyon Creek.
“In any case, here you’re almost in front of your hotel,” she replied. “You don’t have to pay anything, and I apologize again for the scare.”
From the outside, the taxicab now looked like a can of nutrigel after going through a crusher. Yet, it still worked. May God Darwin bless Venusian steel.
After thanking her, we wished Meera a good day. But the cockpit window suddenly went down on the passenger side. The smile of the driver had faded. She had tears at the corner of her white eyes.
“Wait!” she asked. “This weapon… do you really know how to use it?”
So, life on the Danaë wasn’t so sweet. As Meera explained to us in a secluded alleyway, a trio of criminals had come to threaten her a few days earlier, after finding she was a bodacious driver. They were preparing a heist in one of the flying city’s fifty casinos. The young woman was now ready to pay the price to settle the case.
“What is your opinion about this whole situation?” I asked Ali, once in our room, a small yet cozy suite whose glass walls overlooked the vacuum of space.
My human had applied a brownish ointment on her hump, which disappeared soon after, leaving only a slight pinkish hematoma.
“Meera said she would provide us with more details tomorrow. However, if she ponies up the cash, I don’t see why we would refuse. We ain’t mercs but these three guys must have a bounty on their heads. Let’s do our job, right?
“Indeed…”
All we had to do was wait for more instructions. Fortunately, it had been months since we had been able to take days off except on miserable gas stations full of drug addicts, implants scavengers and prostitutes.
After another morning of shopping, Ali went to the thalassotherapy center of the neighboring hotel. Her main occupation? Overeating sushi made by 3D nutrigel printing while getting massages.
Alas, I didn’t have the time to bask under the false sun of the lakeside resort and get my belly stroked. As a good captain, I had to go to the maintenance to fix the numerous damages of the Kitty. As always, the bill would be higher than expected.
Everything was orchestrated so that we would never hold a positive balance in this corrupted system. We had to chain contract after contract.
But Meera’s gig didn’t sound right. There was something I didn’t like and I couldn’t catch it yet. All my cat sensors were in the red. Unfortunately, the bounty hunter’s ones only saw the green of the bills.
Don’t judge me.
The young taxicab driver had finally contacted Ali again by holoconference in the early afternoon, shortly before I joined her at the exit of the tanning booths. Or as I called them: human toasters.
“Have you finished roasting like a Thanksgiving turkey?” I asked her as she plunged into the icy water of the adjacent basin, under the lustful gaze of a group of cadets from the Marine Academy.
“Meera will pick us up with a new taxicab in the hotel parking lot,” she whispered once back to me. “Alongside her, we will meet two of the criminals at the burglary location, shortly before midnight.”
“Go on.”
“We take care of these guys and we catch up with the last one: the band leader, in the storage cavities of the hangar reserved for the ship’s logistics. Below the last rotating ring.”
In Eve’s costume, Ali came out of the basin, not without deliberately drenching me. The water had a nasty chemical taste from being filtered day after day.
“Do you have any intelligence on these jokers?” I insisted while lighting a cigarette.
“The Broadway Gang. Three brothers. C$45,000 for the trio. We will also be able to recover at least C$10,000 of Techno-federal tax on their ship depending on its condition. Easy cash with the dollar credits that Meera promises us…”
Now sitting on the ledge, my partner splashed her feet to demonstrate her eagerness to head back swimming.
“Excellent! This will pay for the maintenance and allow us to save some money on our way to the belt.”
“Can I go now?” she asked, sliding back into the water.
“You may,” I had concluded before seeing her leave for her absurd wanderings that would fill her afternoon.
I myself was very busy making eyes at the wealthy guests of the hotel restaurant to glean a few pieces of Peking duck or juicy crabs. They were real farm animals from Mars. Not nutrigel. It was worth abandoning a little dignity aside.
With a full belly, I finally joined Ali in the middle of the evening. Arriving in the corridor of our suite, I crossed the group of cadets noticed near the swimming pool. They seemed tired but blissfully smiling as they just discovered the nirvana. And I knew why…
“Ali? Are you ready?” I said as I walked through the half-open bedroom door.
Her dressing gown had been thrown on the floor. Her gun and badge were resting on the bedside table against a giant bottle of Koala Springs soda and a pyramid of little Yoyo Mints.
To be honest, I expected a bigger mess.
“Gimme five minutes,” she replied while in the shower.
An hour later, we met Meera in the staff parking lot behind the recycling stations. Without further discussion, we joined the expressway in the taxicab. Between two noisy info-ads, the radio played Sweet Transvestite then the rest of the mythical Rocky Horror soundtrack.
“I wonder what Tim Curry’s up to these days,” asked Ali while browsing the intraweb on her implant.
“Being legendary as usual,” I answered.
Afterwards, the casino was in sight. But once on the forecourt illuminated by the gold and silver bulbs, we heard gunshots and screams. My partner and I quickly realized that this was a violent robbery rather than a modest heist.
“What the fuck, Meera?” Ali asked, turning to the porthole that separated us from the cockpit.
There was a hint of irritation in her voice.
Meera remained mute, her hands on the wheel and her gaze forward. In the rear-view mirror the young woman looked panicked.
The right door of the vehicle suddenly opened and two men sat down in front of us. They were wearing theater masks: the first was Melpomene, the sad grimace of tragedy; the second, Thalia, the twisted smile of comedy. Each brigand carried a huge metal block under his arm; drawers that were sure to be full of cash. On the other hand, they held their still smoking ZeG-4 machine guns even more firmly.
When they saw us, they both gasped, in unison:
“What the fuck, Meera?”
One… two. One… two.
Four holes in their faded tuxedo. Four bullets as big as a cat’s eye that silenced them forever, before slowly repainting the bench in red.
“What the fuck was that? You killed them!” Meera shouted this time, as she started the electric engine. “You had tasers at your disposal, you psychos!”
She had finally turned around. Her voice was quivering. She was no longer panicked, but angry.
The tasers must have slipped between the seats because I hadn’t seen them. My partner raised her eyebrows and it made me realize that their use had never been in mind.
“We’re bounty hunters, not 9 to 5 social workers!” continued Ali. “Now, you gotta motor, otherwise the cops will shoot our ass on the spot before we could even meet the third dude!”
Meera put her foot on the pedal and one could almost hear the noise of the thrusters melting the white asphalt.
“I can perceive the sirens, Ali,” I concluded before Meera entered the ring's external road reserved for logistic transport.
We then had the shortest car chase we had taken part in. The Danaë security forces may not have had the best elements in the system, but Meera’s talents didn’t give them a chance. We had crossed half a dozen rotative bridges to the rhythm of Take on Me, zigzagging between expressways and maintenance tunnels to arrive before the song ended at the deserted logistics hangar.
It was similar to a huge supermarket with honeycombed shelves. Each of these garages, dimly illuminated by red LEDs, housed a delivery or transport vessel. There was the most impressive fleet I had ever seen.
In one of the first level’s cells stood, between a set of clamps, a Swift-0 scout, from Peugeot Corp, with wings spread. The Swifts were small and very high-end single-seaters. They could be modified to integrate weapons systems, but their primary characteristics were velocity and evasion.
Leaning on the flank of the mono-turbine, the last of the three criminals, a tall blond man with a “Chevy Chase” prominent chin was looking down on the approaching taxicab.
“Were they planning to escape on that ship? The three of them?” I remarked when the vehicle stopped a few meters from the small vessel.
But Meera ignored me.
“Hand me the money, I’m going out. That was the agreement.”
The porthole opened at its base, allowing us to pass the steel cash drawers. Once the taxicab’s ignition was turned off, only their holographic numbers glowed in the dark.
“It’s all over if his cronies don’t stick their noses out of the car,” Ali replied, finally giving the second drawer away. “He’s going to figure out that it went south. He will kill you!”
Outside, the man was getting impatient. Blinded by the taxicab’s headlights, he came closer before exclaiming:
“Zéphyr, are you there? Where are my brothers? Security is closing all the departure modules. We will be stuck here, for fuck’s sake!”
He now had a gun in his hand. A machine gun identical to those of his companions currently bathed in their blood, nailed to the seats.
“Zéphyr? Wait… I know that name!” I meowed to myself.
The doors and portholes of the taxicab were locked. Ali and I were now stuck in the back with the two flatlined and most wanted criminals on the ship.
“Sorry guys, but I’ll handle the rest.”
Miss Meera, alias Zéphyr, smiled at us through the armored glass just before leaving the cockpit by the driver’s door.
“What a fucking piece of shit… Lee? Do you have a plan? I think the windows are bulletproof. I don’t feel like testing. Especially if it’s bouncing around with us inside, we will be turned into ground beef!”
“Did you forget who I am, my dear?”
I was already crawling under the seat, between a pair of Méduse shoes and half nibbled fried rat wings. It was time to demonstrate all my infiltration skills learned from Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunately, both the crab and the duck slowed me down and my belly remained for a few seconds stuck under the driver’s seat with my head on the brake pedal. How outrageous!
From the porthole, I saw Ali watching what was happening in front of us, near the ship. Our eyes met for a brief moment and I could read on her lips: “diet kibble”.
“Better off dead!” I shouted.
My paw reached the bottom of the dashboard, activating the mechanical opening of doors and windows. And, accidentally, the loudest horn in this dimension.
“My bad!”
My sapiens immediately jumped outside, pointing her gun to Zéphyr. Surprised by the thunderous din, her target pivoted towards us, uncovered, turning her back to the human with the magnificent chin and his ZeG-4 who yelled:
“What in the whole universe is that? Wait! I know her! Did you bring us bounty hunters? You were clearly planning to double-cross us!”
The man shouted and his gun produced a rain of bullets. It first hit the windshield of the taxicab, passing through the conductor compartment where I was. The rounds bent the windscreen, but it held. This wasn’t, however, the case for the hood, protecting the engine and the reservoir full of coolant, which ended up covering the seat and my face.
Fortunately, the sticky alcohol allowed me to escape from this trap and jump out of the vehicle through the window I had previously opened. But, once again, a fire ring enveloped the ZeG-4’s cannon.
“This is how I die…” I meowed, eyes closed.
I was violently tackled and hit the ground. Zéphyr had saved me at the last moment, just before bullets obliterated the front of the taxicab.
Other projectiles ricocheted off the metal money drawers on the floor and got lost in the ceiling, activating the fire sprinklers. This incident triggered a silent light alarm throughout the hangar while the mobster prepared a new salvo.
“Don’t hurt my pilot, you narbo!” roared my partner.
Ali, this time taken as a target, retaliated. She fired a single shot towards the rascal with a formidable precision. No one knew how to handle such a heavy gun as she did. She was my human. She was the best in her field: murder.
And I taught her everything. Almost.
The leader of the robbers tried to reload the magazine of his weapon, unaware that his heart had been punctured a few seconds before. Adrenaline was doing its job. But the blood loss caused by the explosion of the aorta at its base, near the ventricles, gradually stopped him in his gesture. His pressure dropped and the bloodstream no longer reached the brain sufficiently. He was already in a coma when his shoulders touched the ground. He was luckier than the average Joe and died a few seconds later.
“Is everything all right?”
My voice was trembling, still in shock from this disaster. I was wet and frozen.
Zéphyr got up with difficulty. Next to us, one of the metal drawers was opened, revealing a bunch of green bills and a much stranger booty: an eight-inch gold diskette with suspicious Chinese symbols.
Well… I couldn’t read them but Chinese symbols on stuff are always suspect, aren’t they?
But there were more important matters. Because my partner, on the other hand, stayed on the ground. Blood was dripping from her black suit and mixed with the clear firefighting fluid that was falling like an endless rain.
I tried to talk to her again but my voice was lost in a groan.
“Why are you whining, you big baby? It’s just blood.”
With her nose in a puddle, my sapiens smiled at me. Her left hand was compressing her abdomen. The bullet had passed through the external oblique muscle, far from the stomach.
It wasn’t that bad after all but she had scared me. And that deserved a scratch on the wrist that made her scream:
“What the fuck?”
“And the medical expenses? Have you thought about medical expenses? We don’t have insurance!”
“God, Uncle Scrooge! I hate you!”
“We won’t be able to fix the Kitty with your heroic outbursts!” I fulminated to mask my joy of seeing her in one piece.
“I will kill you, Muppet! I almost died! I don’t give a fuck about your rusty trash can which flies like a brick!”
It was true that we hadn’t had a fight for a long time.
“Guys…” intervened Zéphyr.
“What?”
Ali and I had spoken together.
“These three ruffians had planned to steal the diskette drive from me once I got back. I needed a hand, so… thank you… I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” my human answered dryly while sitting.
Although Zéphyr saved me, I didn’t share the same kindness:
“Wait, we’re not letting him go! Do you know who he is?”
Zéphyr. Prince of thieves. And yes, he wasn’t much of a princess either. Just an androgynous cyborg. A breakout king wanted throughout the entire system for his affiliation with the Data Brokers’ Guild. With an incredible bounty of C$800,000, she or he… whatever… was the knight of the brokers’ chessboard.
“I think we’ve had enough for today,” Ali said. “Unless you hope to go after him with these big fat guts of yours.”
“By the 79 moons of Jupiter, you shall pay for this, woman!” I meowed, angry.
My ears were backwards and my hairs were spiky. But soaking wet, it just made Ali and Zéphyr laugh.
Disgrace!
“He’s so cute when he’s furious,” he joked.
Now on his knees, the night-skinned androgynous was blotting Ali’s wound with a torn piece of fabric from his driver’s uniform.
“But more seriously, I need to go. With the bounty, you’ll be able to repair your vessel. As for the hospital fees, I will contact a good friend who will take care of you for free. She’s the ship’s chief medical officer.”
“Thank you,” I simply replied as he helped my partner get back on her feet.
“It’s the least I can do. I wasn’t interested in money. More important information is contained in this,” he said as he was picking up the floppy disk.
This golden diskette must have been worth a lot of cash for Zéphyr to play a taxicab driver to ensure coverage. I had perceived that something was fishy!
Then, halfway to his Swift-0, Zéphyr stopped. I witnessed his hesitation.
“There was nothing personal, you know. We’re all just trying to make our way. The best we can…”
And he ultimately left before adding:
“Maybe we’ll see each other again! You seem like fun.”
Before fleeing away, Zéphyr abandoned one of the boxes near the criminal’s corpse. Thus, he validated the theory of a robbery that had gone wrong. When the security arrived a few minutes later, we were the heroes of the day. And with a little bribe, nobody cared about Zéphyr’s missing ship.
This whole story surely left us a bitter taste. A feeling of defeat and humiliation that the swimming pool under the synthetic sun couldn’t make disappear even a week after.
“He undoubtedly played us as we were rookies, with his little face of a young innocent girl in distress,” I said to Ali right after the end of the daily Brett Maverick.
This old show was dispensed on a couple of giant screens suspended by drones.
Until now, Ali had remained silent on her deckchair; with a brick of sour juice stuck between her breasts and a pair of straws between her teeth. Only inaudible grunts emanated from her mouth since the departure of the sexually unclassifiable mugger.
“I wonder what information this fucking cyber-Tootsie could have been looking for in that casino,” my human mumbled as she squeaked her rainbow flip-flops.
“Admit that it’s not really that question that puts you in such a state…” I answered, now well installed on my motorized buoy that I had gotten as a gift in a diet kibbles package.
“You bet! I will have a nasty tan mark on my stomach with these bandages!” she exploded, spitting out her plastic straws with infinite curls.
My float slipped towards the ledge as a robot came to bring us our next glucose overdose.
Ali finally added:
“I swear that if we run into him again, I’ll smack his fucking angel face.”
Back to business!

This is a repost. The original post is by u/AmbulanceDriver2.
After years of hearing stories of problems with HOA's (and having no tolerance for busybodies ourselves) my wife and I were both solidly in agreement that we would never purchase a home in an HOA.
When we finally did find a house and purchased it, we knew for a fact that we were NOT in an HOA. However, just behind us, we learned there was a (not really) HOA.
About a week after we moved in, there was a knock on the door. One of the neighbors behind us, announcing that she was President of the HOA, and welcoming us to the neighborhood. Seems civil enough, but we asked, "what HOA".
"Oh, we're behind you, the home behind yours is where the HOA starts."
"Ok, that's nice, nice to meet you..." Just general pleasantries.
We were hopeful. We were shocked, even. Someone associated with the management of an HOA that wasn't a complete busybody psychopath!
How wrong we were.
The way our lot was, there was a sliver of green space between our property line and the sidewalk, in a somewhat triangular shape (the street ran west southwest, our property line ran due east-west). So there was a wedge of land there. We'd always been told that this belonged to the HOA, yadda yadda - no big deal, just meant we didn't have to deal with the upkeep of this land.
Now that this set up is all in place, it's time to start the story of how we got the (not really an) HOA dissolved.
We had a couple of trees in our yard. Literally on the property line, so we took responsibility for taking care of these things. They're *MASSIVE*. They're also a pain in the butt, incredibly dense/heavy, and because of the way the limbs grow, they're prone to splitting and dropping limbs. There was a huge limb that extended way out into the street adjacent to the green space owned by the HOA. This thing was a major risk of dropping and severely injuring/killing someone. We didn't want that on our conscience (or our insurance!) and so we decided to take that limb down entirely, as well as clean out a lot of the deadwood in the two trees. Hired an arborist, they came out, did their thing. $1400 later, we were left with some decent sized rounds that we were going to move over the next weekend (I was out of town the first weekend after we removed the limb). I should not that the wood was neatly stacked in the green space on the barkdust, out of everyone's way, and in no way a hazard or eyesore.
Enter the shrieking harpy...er.. .President of the "HOA". My wife had stepped out the door the day I had left on my trip and she pulls up into our driveway, rolls down the window, and starts yelling at my wife:
"YOU NEED TO MOVE THAT WOOD NOW!!!!! THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY OF THE HOA!!! MOVE IT NOW!!!!"
My wife is *not* a confrontational type. She's also somewhat petite, and tried to explain to the harpy that I was out of town and that we would be moving it as soon as I got back in town the next weekend.
Nope, not good enough. She shrieks at my wife some more, and my wife ends up grabbing the wheelbarrow and somehow moves this stack of rounds (some of them weighed close to 100 lbs) around the fence, up our driveway, and into the backyard. She was pissed.
So was I. We knew where the harpy lived, so when I got back I went over to talk to her, and explain that I was rather displeased in how she treated my wife. Didn't pound on the door, wasn't aggressive or anything.
They wouldn't answer the door. Cowards (we knew they were home).
This left us with a bit of a displeased taste in our mouth. The next spring, the hedge that is planted outside of our fenceline, well, it wasn't maintained very well, and pushed over two sections of our wooden fence. So I emailed the harpy and explained that their hedge had damaged our fence.
"It's not our hedge!"
"um... it's growing in your green space"
"That's not our green space!"
Waitwut?
"Then why the [censored] did you decide to screech at my wife last summer when we had the wood stacked there
Silence.
Well, at that point I fixed the fence so our dog wouldn't escape, after pruning the laurel back sufficiently that it wouldn't damage the fence again. And started making some phone calls. I contacted the county, and ended up speaking to about seven different departments in order to figure out who actually owned that strip of land. After probably two weeks of trying to find the right people to talk to, I got to the roads division. The green space was marked as part of the right of way for the road, and therefore no one actually "owned" that space.
"So I can chop down that ugly overgrown hedge that's encroaching on the sidewalk and knocking down my fence?"
"Yep," says the kind gentleman from the roads division.
"As an aside," he asked, "you mentioned something about there being an HOA associated with the plots to the east of your property?"
"Yeah?"
"well, part of what took me so long to get an answer for you is that it turns out there is no HOA registered with the county there, so we were looking in the wrong place entirely......"
"Wait, there's no HOA there?"
"No, hasn't ever been one since that subdivision was built..."
"Huh.... Interesting...."
And a plot was hatched.
We had befriended a couple of people within the neighborhood behind us, and they were rather fed up with Ms. "President of the HOA" and her antics. She was the typical busybody, bullying anyone she didn't like, and apparently for the last 10 years or so had been collecting HOA "dues" from everyone in the neighborhood to the tune of $300/year. There were 36 homes in the "HOA". Right around $100,000 in dues. For a non-existent HOA. With no real maintenance. Oh, they hosted an annual block party - potluck style.... They pulled weeds from the green space - on a volunteer basis.
So I did what any red-blooded American would do. I got 36 envelopes. 36 stamps. And printed off 36 copies of a letter with my findings from the county that there was not now, nor ever had been for the recorded history of the subdivision, any HOA, neighborhood association, or any similar organization. And that they, collectively, had paid in excess of $100,000 in dues over that time to a non-existent entity, plus any fines the non-existent HOA had decided to levy.
The neighbors, in turn, did exactly what any red-blooded American would do.
They sued the hell out of her for every penny they'd paid over the last 10 years.
Won, too.
And there's no longer an "HOA" behind us.
EDIT: Forgot to mention this. In all the digging into this mess, we learned she's a real estate agent. I figure I'll wait until she pisses me off again and report this whole mess to the state's real estate licensing board. *evil grin*\
Edit to the edit: as others have pointed out, this needs to be reported to the licensing board. Will look into that process....
Edit of the edit to the edit: I have sent an initial e-mail to my state's Real Estate licensing board (Real Estate Agency), and will post any updates as things develop. I did look her up in the licensing system, apparently she's licensed as a principal broker for her agency. This should get interesting.
Edit the fourth: And this should be interesting - her license is up for renewal at the end of this month. This should put one hell of a speed bump in that process. *evil grin*
Regarding the criminal charges, since I wasn't a victim of the fraud, that's not something I can pursue. However, I spoke w/ my friend who was one of her victims and he and his wife are talking to other people they trust about coming together and seeking criminal charges.
ONE LAST EDIT:
Was requested by another Redditor to go back and update with links to all the subsequent parts of this insanity.....
_______________________________________________________________________
UPDATE 2 & 3:
Well, apparently I need to put this in here. I do not give consent for my posts to be read/interpreted/posted to any monetized or ad-supported platform. Examples include YouTube or other platforms. Short version: If you make money off reading someone else's posts, I do not give consent for you to make money off of my posts.
I'm going to post the rest of this as a couple of posts, because trying to cram it all into one post ends up exceeding the per-post character limit on Reddit
So, in part one of this saga, we meet President Harpy, putative leader of the not-really-an-HOA:
https://www.reddit.com/fuckHOA/comments/diw9bl/got_a_not_really_an_hoa_disbanded/
PART 2:
Today, my wife and I had dinner with our friends who were among the victims of this psycho. And I learned a lot. Probably definitely more than I should have. I learned a lot about the lawsuit that was filed when I sent out the letters revealing that there was no HOA. There was, in fact, a settlement to make the lawsuit go away. I will say this, the Harpy got a good lawyer. A *really* good lawyer. One of the terms of the settlement was that the total amount remain undisclosed, but our friends confirmed that they were made whole. Another part of the settlement was a pretty stringent non-disclosure agreement.
I'm gonna have to start pretty far back in this mess, because it explains a lot about how this all went down. The subdivision that Harpy lives in was built back in 2000. And it turns out that at the time the subdivision was built, she was the first one to buy in this brand new neighborhood. The developer had actually planned to set up an HOA (the correct way) but because of delays in construction and selling the homes, they never actually set it up. [Based on one of the comments below and a glance at the relevant state law, this is apparently bad information that was passed on to me.] That didn't stop Ms. Harpy though, not at all. So as soon as the next owners moved in, she reached out to them. "Hi, welcome to the neighborhood. We are setting up a neighborhood association, a voluntary HOA if you will. That way we can take care of the common areas, and keep property values up." The usual excuses behind an HOA.
Well, after the first 5-6 houses were bought and the owners moved in, and agreed to this voluntary "HOA", well... The pitch changed. It went from a "neighborhood association" to just a straight, "Hey, welcome to the neighborhood. I'm the president of the HOA, nice to meet you!" Most people went along with it. They figured they had missed something in the disclosures, or in the listing, or something. But this was a brand spanking new subdivision. And at the time, you couldn't find a brand new subdivision that *didn't* have an HOA. There were a few people that *did* in fact pay attention. When called on it, she would change her pitch back to the "Well, it's not *really* an HOA.... It's more a voluntary neighborhood association... But we do have some rules we've all agreed to (that it turns out she wrote all on her own), and we do collect a small amount of money, just $25 a month, that's not unreasonable, is it? Just to keep up the common areas, and the rules help keep everyone's property values up!"
All of that came to light during the depositions and testimony in this lawsuit.
And she sold them on it. Everyone signed the "rules" (She even called them CC&R's - with the argument that this gave them a certain legal weight to be able to enforce the rules), either under the guise of the "HOA", or the "Neighborhood Association". By the time all the properties were initially sold, it was roughly 2:1, those that thought it was an HOA, and those that thought it was just a voluntary association. And as people sold, and new owners moved in, well, the HOA pitch just got easier to sell. To the point that at the time of the lawsuit, it was somewhere between 3:1 and 4:1.
As testimony was wrapping up, her attorney put forward a proposed settlement. I was able to find out from my neighbor that in this proposed settlement the only people that would be, in the legal jargon, "made whole" were the ones that signed on under the impression that it was a legitimate HOA. Her attorney successfully argued to the judge that the people who signed up under the "voluntary neighborhood association" were not actually defrauded, and therefore couldn't be a part of the settlement. That *really* pissed off those people.
Because of the timing of the whole house of cards tumbling down around her, she had sufficient equity in her house that she was able to refinance her mortgage and pay the settlement amount. So she had to pay a lot of people back out of her own pocket, losing that equity that she had built up over the last ten years. I'm guessing that her husband was *not* in on the scam, as he was not one of the named parties in the suit, and he filed for divorce in the middle of the lawsuit. As for how he didn't know? No clue. Maybe she just had him convinced that her commissions from real estate sales were just that good. I have no idea what the terms of the divorce were, but it was apparently rather acrimonious. Our friends more than once heard shouting matches from the Harpy's house as they were out walking the neighborhood.
So hopefully that clarifies how she was able to sucker people in. Our friends were some of those that were convinced that it was a legitimate HOA, and they told us that she was so smooth, so convincing, that they didn't doubt it for a minute. At least that meant that they were "made whole" even though they couldn't legally disclose how much they got back.
Now, for more recent happenings. One of the things we talked about tonight was our neighbors going to the district attorney and pursuing criminal charges. Well, they talked to the DA's office this morning, and apparently the statute of limitations has passed. For a crime like this, even though it would be a felony level charge, the statute of limitations is only 3 years for that type of crime. BUT I passed on to them the idea of reporting her to the IRS. Since they were among those who lost money, I figure it's only fair that they get the reward if there is one. They both got a rather gleeful look at that idea. So yeah, that should be interesting.
One of the reasons that I said the Harpy got a good lawyer was that one of the terms of the non-disclosure agreement was that if they signed on to the settlement, they agreed not to report her to any professional board or any licensing agency. So she obviously had concerns that something like this might possibly, just maybe, perhaps have an impact on her license as a real estate agent.
Too bad for her that I wasn't part of that settlement. Because after my initial email to the state Real Estate Agency, I got a response back this morning, and after a couple of more e-mails back and forth, I was interviewed over the phone by the head of the professional standards division. They appeared to be *very* interested to hear what I had to say. I gave a recorded statement on the grounds that it would remain confidential (don't want her trying to make my life a living hell). And at dinner tonight, I learned that our friends have a pretty good friendship with several of the people that were *NOT* paid off in the settlement agreement, since they signed up under the "voluntary neighborhood association". The ones her lawyer insisted were not defrauded and therefore couldn't be part of the settlement. Which means they also are not covered under that pesky little non-disclosure agreement.
Before I started writing this update, I e-mailed the names and contact information for three of those owners who still live in the neighborhood to the head of the professional standards division. Because while I had to deal with her craziness and general pain-in-the-assitude, I didn't actually lose any money. But actual victims of her scam? I imagine their testimony will carry quite a bit more weight with professional standards. I also (solely for their convenience) included the state court case number for the lawsuit. Who knows, maybe they can see the records of the lawsuit and the terms of the settlement since they are a state agency.
That, kind Redditors, brings us up to today. If I hear more updates (which hopefully I will through my friends) I will gladly share them here, and I'll happily answer any questions I can.
PART 3:
And now, for Part 3 ladies and gentlemen, a couple of new characters have been introduced. Government agencies have gotten involved.
My friend and neighbor texted me this afternoon, saying only, "CALL ME!!!"
As soon as I was able to, I gave him a call. And he could barely stop chuckling.
He caught me up a bit. After we'd talked the other evening, he'd started talking to some of the people in the neighborhood. And it turns out that Ms. Harpy of the Not-Really-an-HOA is apparently kind of a slow learner. Because in the last couple-three years, while she hasn't tried to bilk anyone else out of their money, some of the newer owners in the neighborhood were being told that there was still a "neighborhood association" and she kept trying to enforce arbitrary rules on people. Except everyone had heard about her antics. And promptly told her to get bent. So if anything, her nonsense has actually created a more cohesive neighborhood. Everyone is united in hating her! :D
But that's not the reason he was chuckling. He was chuckling because he'd just gotten off the phone with an IRS agent. Now normally, that's not your expected reaction when speaking to anyone from the government with the word "Agent" attached to their title in any way. But no. He was chuckling after he spent over an hour on the phone detailing everything he knew about her dealings as "president of the HOA". As well as providing contact info for quite a few others in the neighborhood who knew what had happened over the years. I *really* hope I get to hear more about what happens with the IRS.
As if that wasn't enough good news, I popped over to the state real estate licensing board website (I've been checking it every day since I spoke to the head of professional standards) and saw this:
https://i.imgur.com/4zpahUU.jpg
Sorry I had to redact the hell out of that, but I really want to try to keep this entertaining for you all here while maintaining anonymity.
If I may direct your attention to the section titled "License Information" the column titled "Status"
Additionally, if I may direct your attention to the "Disciplinary Action" section, specifically the columns titled "Resolution" and "Found Issues".
From a little cursory reading of state law and associated regulations, this decision is temporary until the full investigation is completed. Once that happens, the professional standards board will decide if there is to be permanent action against her license. If there is, then there will be a date in the "order signed date" column, and a *really* entertaining link in the "documents" column in the disciplinary action section that lays out the entire case, from start to finish. (I've read a couple of documents in other cases I found where there was a final order - and wow, they lay *EVERYTHING* out).
So there we have it Reddit. I was almost kinda feeling bad for bringing up stuff from years ago to government agencies, but the fact that she is *still* trying to pull off this crap (albeit without the money part) made any of that evaporate like the HOA she thought she had. So it may be the end, or it may not, but at least for now, we've reached the conclusion of the saga of the Harpy of the Not-Really-an-HOA.
I will be adding part 4 and 5 shortly, and then we have a new update from just this morning.
ONE LAST EDIT:
Was requested by another Redditor to go back and update with links to all the subsequent parts of this insanity.....
PART 4 & 5:
https://www.reddit.com/fuckHOA/comments/ej60bt/how_i_got_a_not_really_an_hoa_disbanded_part_4/
PART 6:
https://www.reddit.com/fuckHOA/comments/eoc5tt/how_i_got_a_not_really_an_hoa_disbanded_part_6/
PART 7:
https://www.reddit.com/useAmbulanceDriver2/comments/gffwzo/how_i_got_a_not_really_an_hoa_disbanded_part_7/

ISO 17020 is the procedure for Inspection body accreditation by which an authoritative body gives a formal recognition that an inspection body is
competent and impartial to carry out the inspection service according to The objective of accreditation is to assure the clients of the quality of the inspection service of the inspection body as well as to avoid duplicate inspection.
Active Business Solutions is the preferred consulting company for ISO 17020 laboratory accreditation across the Middle East. We will get your organization accredited quickly. Our consultants have extensive knowledge of working with various accreditation bodies for Inspection Body Management System Accreditations
Using the ABS approach to ISO 17020 Accreditation in an Organizations covers:

• Developing and implementing ISO 17020 Standard.
• Requirements for independence, impartiality, integrity & Confidentiality
• Inspection methods and procedures
• Handling of inspection samples and items
• Control of records
• Undertake relevant training for your employees.
• Define the scope of accreditation.
• Procedure for protecting the integrity of data produced by the organization
• Procedure for ensuring the security of data produced by the organization
• Procedure for performing inspections & for avoiding deterioration or damage to inspection items
• Prepare your staff to face the accreditation board.
• Undertake relevant training for your employees.
• Undertake schedule of internal audits.
• Undertake your annual surveillance audits.
• Act as your third-party professional organization/quality advisory board or quality management department.

BENEFITS OF ACCREDITATION

• An ISO 17020 accredited inspection body has a definite advantage over
• competitors.
• Establish confidence of management and clients on results as well as reports and enlarge client trust as well as market share.
• International recognition and credibility.
• Comparative analysis of data as well as perfect record keeping.
• Enhanced level of motivation, co–operation, workmanship and quality alertness including competence
• Enhanced effectiveness, productivity and efficiency in the overall Inspection bodies operation.
• Give guidelines and better control for maintenance of tools, preservation of inspection records etc.
• Greater control of procedures and activities throughout Inspection bodies.
• Savings in terms of time and money due to decrease or removal of
• re–inspection / re–work etc.
• Insurer provides lower premium to accredited organizations.

Best ISO Certification Provider in Saudi Arabia
Feel free to contact us on the following details for further assistance
Contact No: - +966 11 520 5405 | +966 599 605 333
Email & Web:- www.absiso.com | [email protected]

• Facebook: - https://www.facebook.com/absisoksa
• Twitter: - https://twitter.com/absisoksa
• Instagram: - https://www.instagram.com/absisoksa/
• LinkedIn: - https://www.linkedin.com/company/absisoksa
• YouTube: - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwj-Z-M5ErzI03CJjP6x8Bg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzDb4-uzxDk
Address: 3141 Anas Ibn Malik Rd, Al Malqa, Riyadh 13521, Saudi Arabia
We are proud to serve diverse markets and business sectors with a wide range of accredited ISO certifications, and training solutions around the world.

• ISO CERTIFICATIONS
• CORPORATE TRAINING
• AUDITING SERVICES
• ACCREDITATION CONSULTANCY
• ISO CARE SERVICES

Simplified Process to Achieve the ISO Certification
· ISO 9001 : Quality Management System
· ISO 14001 : Environmental Management System
· ISO 45001 : Occupational health and safety Management System
· ISO 27001 : Information security Management System
· ISO 22301 : Business Continuity Management System
· ISO 13485 : Medical Devices Quality Management System
· ISO 22000 : Food Safety Management System
· ISO 20000 : Information Technology Service Management System
· ISO 20121 : Event Sustainability Management System
· ISO 28000 : Supply Chain Security Management System
· ISO 37001 : Anti-Bribery Management System
· ISO 39001 : Road Traffic Safety Management System
· ISO 50001 : Energy Management System
· ISO 55001 : Asset Management System
· SA 8000 : Social Accountability Management System
· ISO/TS 16949 : Quality Management System for Automotive Production
· BRC : British Retail Consortium
· GMP : Good Manufacturing Practice
· HACCP : Hazard Analysis Critical Control Point

I have read 12-step Guide, speed trap defense statutes, some similar 22350 cases, and all of Santa Cruz cases in this subreddit. Understand that the total bail will likely be $367.
Special thanks to each Mod (JakeDeLaPlaya, 3Jay1, BestTrafficSchoolCA) and appreciate everything you're doing. Will definitely post updates.
Citation: https://i.imgur.com/45jgWGp.jpg
Violation background:

• 9:53 AM Saturday
  
• SB State Route 17
  
• Clear, dry, and light-moderate traffic
  
• CHP cruiser (white)
  
• Cruiser was parked perpendicular here
  
• Pulled over here shortly
  
• Officer says I was speeding and asks the basic questions of license, registration, & proof of insurance. I did not admit nor ask any question. Was cordial and respectful. Encounter was short and Officer asked if I had any question. Said no and thanked him.
  
• MVARS checked and saw his body cam. Don't think the dash cam captured the incident since the cruiser was perpendicular to the road. Thoughts on requesting discovery?
  
• So while driving, I felt unsafe with the car behind me tailgating. There was traffic on the right lane and the road was windy. The patch of straight road and a gap on the right lane created an opportunity for me to momentarily speed up and yield to the right of the overtaking vehicle thus alleviating the unsafe situation. Right after, the officer pulled me over.
  
• I'm an advocate for contesting traffic violations to exercise our rights, reduce cost, and/or have case dismissed. I had a 22350 case 14 years ago and it was dismissed via TBWD.
  
• I have a clean record for over 15 years. Is it fine to state in my TBWD or will they look this up?
  
• Did not find SR 17 on Santa Cruz's Traffic and Engineering Reports Will e-mail a request at [email protected] Not sure if there's another e-mail address of theirs for this
  

Strategy:

• Mail out TBWD request. Read a thread about Santa Cruz Court denying a poster's TBWD request after the first extension. Plan to mail out request 12/23. Then submit TBWD via certified mail 5 days prior to due date.
  
• Use CVC 21753: “Yielding for Passing” requires that “the driver of an overtaken vehicle shall give way to the right in favor of the overtaking vehicle on audible signal or the momentary flash of headlights by the overtaking vehicle….”
  
• SR 17 is known to have number of hazards (sharp turns & narrow shoulders) and accidents. Is it appropriate to mention this and supplement the statement "momentarily speed up and yield to the right of the overtaking vehicle thus alleviating the unsafe situation" with CVC 21753? It's definitely not safe to maneuver this during a turn. Right before the alleged violation, it was a straightaway section and there was coach bus on the right lane I had to clear.
  
• Use 3Jay1 's LIDAR template as a guide, Laws Against Speed Traps 2.0, speed trap defense statutes, & basic speed law
  

Wish me luck! ♥
Timeline:
12/5/20 Date of Violation
Updates:

• TBWD must be completed before due date on Courtesy Notice. - Source FAQ #13
  It is also written on the Courtesy Notice and told by the clerk.
  

There are a lot of things you should bear in mind when purchasing a used car. These are the title, registration, warranties, maintenance schedule and insurance, among others. However, there is one particular matter that is often placed at the back burner. Something that is very important and should have been given the priority but is oftentimes set aside and even ignored This is what assures us that we will reach our destination in one piece. This is what gives us peace of mind and anxiety-free trips. An enjoyable trip is unlikely without it. In bold capital letters, we call it SAFETY.
By general mandate of law and for consumer protection, automakers have added more and more safety techs in recent years to make driving safer. For the same reason, vehicle history reports have become necessary in ensuring the safety of buyers. Even so, the public has remained largely unaware of the importance of many safety devices. There are no enough compelling reasons for anyone to equip themselves with sufficient knowledge regarding safety features, their functions and apparent importance.
You may intrude in a crowd of drivers and ask some of them randomly what they know about Traction Control, for instance, and only a few may be able to say anything sensible about it. Safety features are something no sane person can take for granted. Missing out on them could spell the difference between life and death. It is important to know what a particular model can offer in ensuring maximum safety and protection not only for the driver and vehicle occupants but also for other vehicles and bystanders.
Remember that if you don’t put enough importance to it, you might end up with a lifetime of regrets after purchasing the wrong vehicles which do not provide you enough safety features. Thankfully, it is not too late for you yet. You are reading this article for a reason. Like many others, you are curious to know what are the 9 Safety Features That Every Car Must Have. Just as when a cat has nine lives, a car should have 9 devices to save lives. Now is a good time to learn as much as you can about them.
Traction Control
Traction control is an active safety mechanism that runs when the engine’s performance, particularly its torque and throttle, does not correspond with the surface of the road where the vehicle is accelerating. It is a mechanism that reduces the force of inertia and enables the car to stop swiftly but smoothly. It utilizes most of the traction available on low-friction areas to stop or limit the slippage of wheels. The system works by relying on sensors that identify any wheel that spins faster than its companion wheel. In newer vehicles, the traction control system serves as a secondary component of the Electronic Stability Control.
Electronic Stability Control
The Electronic Stability Control (ESC) is a computerized safety system that serves a lot of functions in keeping the vehicle in the driver’s intended path, whether the vehicle is making sudden shifts and turns, or running through rough or slippery roads. In short, it stabilizes the steering system regardless of road curves and terrain conditions. It can also correct oversteering and understeering automatically by taking some control of the steering wheel, though this may come as intrusive for some drivers. The system accrues data from multiple sensors like the Anti-Lock Brake, steering, throttle and yaw rate and uses them to make the best course of automated action, thereby, avoiding any accidents. In one study, vehicles with ESC have experienced 32% fewer single-vehicle crashes and 58% fewer roll-over crashes than those without ESC. In another figure, the safety feature can save up to 9,600 lives from vehicle accidents annually. Definitely, this device is a must-have for all vehicle owners as this can save lives including their own. You better check if the car you intend to buy has this very important feature.
Anti-Lock Braking
Another component of ESC is the Anti-Lock Braking System, otherwise known as the Anti-Skid Braking System. This is basically the mechanism which prevents the momentum from taking control of the car without traction and wheel control. It prevents the wheels from locking up during emergency situations, or any situations that put the vehicle occupants’ lives at great risks if they stay in a particular location. It also maintains the vehicle’s tractive control with the ground to prevent hazardous skidding and enables the vehicle to move to safety.
Lane Keeping Assist
The Lane Keeping Assist is a safety feature designed to assist the driver in maintaining a vehicle in its lane. It actively monitors the car’s position relative to the road and it gets triggered if the vehicle does not appear to be on a lane, or is drifting out of it. It notifies the driver by giving warnings (beeps or vibration), or by activating the brakes if the vehicle is about to cross into another lane. It can also intervene in the driver’s control and gently steer the unit back into the original lane.
Blind Spot Monitor
As the name implies, Blind Spot Monitor notifies the driver of any unwanted or unseen hazards coming from the sides and rear, alerting them of dangers and giving them enough time to adjust accordingly. Remember that the windshield can only give you so much view of what lies in the road ahead and because of the limitations, you may miss certain road hazards that may jeopardize your safety. The system makes an assessment based on the data garnered by mounted sensors from the side mirrors and rear bumper, which helps detect adjacent persons, vehicles and other objects. The system makes an assessment on real-time data garnered by mounted detection devices on the side mirrors and rear bumper, such as cameras, sonar and lidar tech. Through them, they can warn the driver on time through various means like visual, tactile and auditory cues. This safety feature would surely come in handy given that, as per IIHS, as much as 50,000 blind spot-related accidents could have been prevented.
High-Beam Assist
Another notable safety feature is the High-Beam Assist. What does it do? To put it simply, it recognizes approaching vehicles that are not easily visible due to darkness, fog and other obstructions. lt comes very handy at night as it automatically activates when the degree of light in the surrounding reaches a low level. It also has a sensor located on the rearview mirror that detects lights coming from other motor vehicles. If another vehicle is approaching, the headlight switches from high beam to low beam to protect other drivers from being blinded by light, then it switches to high beam again when the road becomes clear of oncoming vehicles.
Automatic Emergency Braking (AEB)
This safety device activates if a crash is very likely. This way, the vehicle would have enough time to avoid or minimize the damage from the crash. How does it work? First, the Forward Collision Warning system alerts the driver about the hazard. Then, it provides suggestions for avoiding the impending crash. If the driver’s response is found lacking, the Automatic Emergency Braking system would automatically trigger the brakes, ending with either of these two outcomes: (1) minimizing the damage that can happen with the collision, (2) or, if possible, avoiding the accident entirely.
Backup Camera
A backup camera is especially helpful if you plan to park in reverse. It provides visibility around the vicinity of the rear, especially the surroundings of the rear window and trunk. It gives you an idea on how near your car is to anything in your back while moving towards that direction. In some sense, the rearview cam is superior to the rearview mirror in providing a better perspective of the distance between the car and other objects of interest. Some backup cameras even have lines to indicate the distance of the vehicle from its behind, which can be helpful for those with problems seeing from their back.
Rear Cross-Traffic Alert
Besides the Rearview Camera, the Rear Cross-Traffic Alert system can be extremely helpful when reverse driving and parking as it can track vehicles coming from the left and right of your vehicle. The driver is alerted by the safety mechanism through visual and audible cues when there is a risk of a crash from behind.
These devices are appreciated as a means of preventing accidents but it can only be helpful if you know how to operate or make use of them. And thus, it is necessary if you will know by heart how each one of these can help you.

Notes and Highlights of Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear’s Live Update October 6, 2020
Notes by mr_tyler_durden and Daily Update Team
Register for your Absentee Ballot here!
Note: Thank you to the people who have given awards to these posts but I do want to say: Please don’t spend money to give these posts an award or if you want to give then donate it here instead. These people need your help more than I need awards. I guess if you are just spending reddit coins that you already have then that’s fine but don’t spend new money, donate it instead. Thank you all!
Watch here:

• Youtube: Update (YT Channel)
• Facebook: Update (FB Page)

Headlines

• 74,194 Cases (+1,054), 1,218 Deaths (+4)
• New cases by county: 190x Jefferson, 185x Fayette, 31x Christian, 28x Daviess, 24x Laurel, 24x Madison, 24x Whitley, 22x Henderson, 21x Pike, 21x Warren, 20x Scott, 17x Calloway, 17x Knox, 14x Bullitt, 13x Carter, 13x Shelby, 12x Franklin, 12x Lincoln, 12x Nelson, 12x Rockcastle, 11x Boone, 11x Johnson, 11x Morgan, 11x Pulaski, 10x Allen, 10x Clark, 9x Hopkins, 9x Jessamine, 9x Logan, 8x Butler, 8x Oldham, 8x Rowan, 8x Trigg, 7x Kenton, 7x McCracken, 7x Muhlenberg, 6x Campbell, 6x Hardin, 6x Harlan, 6x Jackson, 6x Letcher, 6x Marshall, 6x Montgomery, 6x Webster, 5x Caldwell, 5x Clay, 5x Garrard, 5x Graves, 5x Greenup, 5x Harrison, 5x Martin, 5x Ohio, 5x Union, 4x Boyle, 4x Hancock, 4x Hart, 4x Larue, 4x Washington, 3x Adair, 3x Boyd, 3x Estill, 3x Grant, 3x Lawrence, 3x Lewis, 3x Mercer, 3x Metcalfe, 3x Powell, 3x Russell, 3x Spencer, 3x Woodford, 2x Bell, 2x Bourbon, 2x Grayson, 2x Henry, 2x Hickman, 2x McCreary, 2x Menifee, 2x Nicholas, 2x Owen, 2x Simpson, 2x Taylor, 1x Anderson, 1x Barren, 1x Bath, 1x Breathitt, 1x Breckinridge, 1x Carlisle, 1x Clinton, 1x Crittenden, 1x Edmonson, 1x Elliott, 1x Fleming, 1x Fulton, 1x Green, 1x Leslie, 1x Livingston, 1x Lyon, 1x Magoffin, 1x Marion, 1x McLean, 1x Meade, 1x Monroe, 1x Owsley, 1x Pendleton, 1x Perry, 1x Robertson, 1x Todd, 1x Wayne
• New deaths by county: 89 M Christian, 85 M Henderson, 78 F Jefferson, 69 F Jefferson
• Fast 4 Today.
  • 1. Kentucky’s Manufacturing Month: Think about this: manufacturers in Kentucky employ about 260,000 Kentuckians- all full time. 260,000 full time jobs for Kentuckians. That is an outsize number, more than 13% of jobs in our economy are in manufacturing, versus a national average of 8.5%. Kentucky is home to approximately 4,500 manufacturing facilities, from fortune 500 companies to mom-and-pop operations.
  • 2. Homeland Security Grants, today, we're announcing $3M in homeland security grants that will enhance the safety and preparedness of 25 communities across the Commonwealth. The funding comes from the US Department of Homeland Security State Homeland Security Grant Program, and it helps local governments prepare for, and counter, acts of terrorism.
  • 3. Alright, Kentucky tourism: “Stay close. Go far”. That's the new marketing campaign for the Kentucky Department of Tourism, [...] Road trips are a great way to explore the roads less traveled and explore the unique experiences right here in our own backyard. Kentuckians can also learn about history and the beauty of the Commonwealth, which is a perfect adventure for kids still doing online instruction. Kentucky is a versatile destination. We have lakes, mountains, forests, bourbon distilleries, historic distilleries, historic battlefields and sites, horse farms, unique cities and towns, and so much more. We encourage Kentuckians to “Stay close. Go far” and find a new place to explore close to home by following along with #TravelKYRoadtrip.
  • 4. Mask up KY: Both Dr. Stack and I are going to talk during the COVID update about how we have to step up our mask wearing. But while we talk about that, sometimes we don't give credit to those that are doing such a great job and are doing the right thing every time.
• Amy Cubbage on UI:
  • Just so that we all understand the constraints that our Office of Unemployment Insurance works under, this is essentially a federal program. There are some state statutes that apply, but we are bound by federal rules, whether we're talking about traditional unemployment, and definitely when we're talking about pandemic unemployment assistance, the additional $600 that was paid earlier in the pandemic, as well as the lost wages assistance that's being paid through FEMA. So while we would love to be able to pay everyone who needs it, we have to abide by the rules that are set in place. [...] And just so people understand some various reasons why you might not qualify for unemployment insurance under the traditional program. If you voluntarily quit your job, you're not going to qualify for unemployment. If you're terminated for misconduct, you would not qualify for unemployment. If you didn't have sufficient wages in the prior 18 months, unfortunately, you will not qualify for unemployment. That's because it's an insurance program. [...] On top of that, not everyone who is out of work right now qualifies for the backup pandemic unemployment assistance program that was set up in the CARES Act. Obviously there's base eligibility criteria related to the pandemic. But unfortunately fear of getting COVID is not enough to qualify, that is specifically given to us from the US Department of Labor. If you have a doctor's note that says it's not safe for you to work during the pandemic that would qualify you, but if you simply feel like it's unsafe for you to work outside the office, without that doctor's note, we cannot apply, we cannot approve a PUA claim, straight from Department of Labor. Inability to get a job because of the pandemic is not enough. Quitting because of lack of COVID precautions at your employer might be enough, but that would be subject to a fact-finding and again if the employer is abiding by CDC and Healthy at Work guidance then we couldn't approve your claim, even if you were not comfortable with what your employer's doing. So there are a lot of rules that we have to abide by in approving claims and also an investigating the claims, because all of these reasons, we just talked about with give rise to something called a disputed claim and I know I've talked about before how those disputed claims, both require a fact-finding investigation and then that determination letter. So all of these reasons are why you might not have seen your unemployment claim approved yet, why you may not have seen your letter, because it just takes a while to sort through all of these things.
  • There have been some periodic system outages- the last couple of weekends and including yesterday, that's been due to some server issues, please be patient.
  • We know a lot of people are starting to run out of initial UI benefits, since those only last for 26 weeks. There are extended benefits available as a video on the website that will explain how to apply for those benefits. So if you go to the https://kcc.ky.gov/ website, you can see that video and see how to apply for those.
  • FEMA LOST WAGES ASSISTANCE: But so far, we have made the initial batch of payments for all six weeks for claimants who had already certified their eligibility. Those were four weeks, ending 8/1 through 9/5. And the last payment, the last week's worth of payments for those claimants was processed last night so that should be hitting bank accounts in a couple of days.[...] Just please understand though this is a unique program. This is nothing like the $600 a week top-up that we had earlier in the pandemic that anyone who qualified for any unemployment program could receive. [...] The rules in the presidential memorandum were that you had to have at least a $100 weekly benefit amount, and that's the benefits you're entitled to, not what you actually receive after offsets, and that you have certified that you are out of work, or you have reduced hours because of COVID. It’s not the same as the prior $600 payment. The eligibility certification is what we're getting so many questions about, just so people understand, since sometime in May, all claimants when they request their payments have been able to provide a certification regarding being out of work because of COVID. Now if you are a traditional UI claimant, if you skipped that question, it wouldn't have stopped your payments. If you were a PUA claimant, it was required. So for some large universe of our claimants, we already had this certification. Since we had that, we made the decision to go ahead and push out the LWA payments to people who had already certified, so we could get the money to you quicker and into our economy more quickly. Now there was a group of about 21,600 people who were UI claimants who had not given a certification either ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For those on September 28, we have sent you an email that tells you you need to login to your claim, and the moment you log in, you are forced into a certification page. About 15,000 of those 21,000 have already now provided that certification, either ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you said ‘yes’, we have to check in a couple of weeks, make sure that we have all the money we need from FEMA, and then we'll pay those claims out if money is available. If you either do not certify or you certified ‘no’ on those questions, you will get a letter from us. Those letters are starting to go out today, it will be a denial letter, but it will give you appeal rights, once you get that letter you have 15 days to file your appeal. [...] We have added an FAQ section on the http://KCC.ky.gov/ web page for you to read up on that.
  • We got the question as always, how many claims are still not processed in the system, wanting to know why they are not processed yet, are they under investigation. Not enough staff? What are the main problems? -- This is the same thing we have discussed multiple times. We've had over 1.2M claims filed into a system that is not made to handle that kind of volume. Anytime we try to bring in additional staff, though it is often helpful, this is a highly technical area, it's hard to get very many staff up to speed. So we're never going to have the kind of staffing that would allow us to process that quickly. Now as of October 5, we have about 77,000 unresolved initial claims the most of those, out of that 1.2M, are going to be disputed claims.
  • And we've got a question that many people told us that the state had accidentally sent out the extra $400 to the wrong people and is waiting to correct those accounts to show there was an overpayment before the correct where people receive the payments. Can you please advise? -- There were about 7,000 claimants within the first week who did get an overpayment of that 400, they will get an overpayment notice- but that has not hung up the payments to other claimants. So other people who were certified did get their payments not withstanding the overpayments.
• Dr Stack:
  • Arizona is in the orange, Kentucky's in the blue, Arizona obviously got hit hard in the summertime, Arizona hit a peak of about 550 cases per million residents per day. Kentucky, had a low plateau around 40 to 50 a day for about three months, then it had an increase- we warned people about that, and then we steadily increased at about 150 cases per million per day for a couple months. And now we're in a new escalation and we're now up at about 200 cases per million per day.
  • Arizona was one of the states that opened much more quickly and much more fully when we went into the late spring. And then you see this marked surge. When they started opening, all sorts of retail stores- this is at the very beginning- there on around end of May, where they started having an increase. Then they lifted their stay at home orders and the closures expired. And that's when you get to about May 15th, and then you start to see two weeks after they lift to their stay at home orders and their closures the beginning of their increase just at the very base of that huge mountain that looks like a skyscraper. As they started to climb up there, when they got to the top near the end of June, in the second half of June, they put in a mask mandate June 17th. Then they shut bars, gyms, and movie theaters, and waterparks, limited them significantly. And then you started to see within weeks, the beginning of a return to a declining trend line. They reduced restaurants to 50% capacity, required social distancing. And then, halfway down the slope, on the backside, they renewed their limitations in order to continue this progress.
  • So this slide that I showed here shows Arizona now is doing much better than we are because they put all these measures in place, they control the virus. Now the problem is if Arizona removes those restrictions, Arizona is going to face the same challenge Kentucky and other places face.
  • So again, I want to ask you please wear the masks, socially distance, and follow these other guidelines because they're really simple, and they're really low tech, but they actually really work. And if we do all this together, that's how schools stay open, universities stay open, businesses stay open, and people get back to activities.
• What are some of the penalties that can be put in for violating your mask mandate? -- So first, from the state level, we will have inspectors from the Department of Public Protection, I believe, of Labor, ABC for bars and restaurants, and there are in some areas local, ABC units. What can happen? You could have your business shut down for a period of time. You can be fined, you can just have a conversation where you say “okay, well we'll get it done and we know that you're going to be checking back in.” All that is, is really secondary, the most effective way to get this to happen is to make a commitment, again, that we probably got a little lax on, that you can't be served in a retail or a business establishment if you are not wearing a mask.
• So a couple of hours ago Donald Trump said he was not going to or he doesn't want to negotiate COVID relief talks until after the election. He says he wants to focus more on the Supreme Court nomination of Amy Coney Barrett. What are your thoughts on this?-- Earlier today and I didn't see the tweet, I just saw a headline on it. Apparently the President called off negotiations on another COVID CARES Act package, one that we desperately need. This CARES Act package was supposed to help schools as they welcome students back. So now we got the students coming back but we don't have the federal government funding that they said they were going to step up and provide. Congress was going to consider extending, maybe not at the $600 level, but at the much easier extra unemployment program that more people would qualify for in Kentucky, than the $400 one and it's significantly easier to administer. There were talks about state budget and local government budget relief, without which, we will have a much slower recovery. Again that's every economist, Goldman-Sachs and the Federal Reserve. I mean we're in the midst of a pandemic, and we're gonna pause for a confirmation on doing the things that we need to do to help our country? I disagree. We need it now and I can tell you for us, we're forecasting what our budgets are going to be. And we're gonna have to put some hard numbers to that. And every delay that they have creates additional challenges to that and is likely to create additional cuts as we go. If they can't if they can't sit down and agree to a package that helps Kentuckians and helps Americans during this- Shame on them. And I don't even see the Senate engaging in the negotiations. Shame on them too.
• Slides from Update

Full Notes

• Good afternoon. It is four o'clock the time we come together, Monday through Thursday. That's a little better. Good afternoon, it’s four o'clock and that one wasn't Kenneth’s fault. The time we come together every day at four o'clock. To get an update on our battle against COVID-19, get an update on some other things going on in Kentucky. Today, first, I'm representing Randall K. Cooper High School, I appreciate Michael Wilson, their principal. They are in Union, Kentucky. Thanks for putting out your mask to protect your students. Today, we're going to go over our Fast for at Four, and we're gonna have Amy Cubbage give an update on unemployment, especially the extra $400 that the federal government has authorized. But talk through how it only authorized those dollars to a limited group of people, smaller than those that qualify for the $600 extra assistance earlier. I think that created some confusion, it is all a matter of federal law, where other than authorizing the program, we don't have any say in that. And then we will give the COVID report, Dr Stack will once again insult Germany and Canada, and New Zealand, and then we'll take questions. That was all sarcastic.
• Fast four at Four.
• First, this month is manufacturing month, October is officially recognized as manufacturing month in Kentucky. While it’s one thing to issue a proclamation, which I do each year, it's another to truly recognize how profound an impact manufacturing has on Kentucky's economy, its communities, and its families. Think about this: manufacturers in Kentucky employ about 260,000 Kentuckians- all full time. 260,000 full time jobs for Kentuckians. That is an outsize number, more than 13% of jobs in our economy are in manufacturing, versus a national average of 8.5%. Kentucky is home to approximately 4,500 manufacturing facilities, from fortune 500 companies to mom-and-pop operations. We produce dryers, aerospace composites, dump truck bodies, laundry baskets, concrete blocks, and duct tape, we produce duct tape. Pet food, construction cranes, cars, trucks, and SUVs, cheese, craft beer, railroad ties, running shorts, and so much more. And this year, approximately 100 facilities use their manufacturing expertise to make PPE. Our manufacturers stepped up, when we needed them the most, and they were there for us. These companies make barriers, masks, gowns, disinfectant, face shields, intubation boxes, ventilator components, and of course, a whole lot of hand sanitizer. PPE producers and their employees are true heroes in this epic fight against the coronavirus. It's important to note that even through COVID, Kentucky has continued to work hard to attract new manufacturers, grow our existing one, and increase wages across the board. Since the onset of the pandemic in March, we've announced the plan creation of 2,000 plus jobs, and more than $630,000 in investment by manufacturers throughout Kentucky. That represents a significant portion of over 4,300 manufacturing jobs newly announced since my administration took office in December. These jobs come along with approximately $1.25B in planned investments across 113 projects coming in the next few years. Investments by these manufacturers will bring economic vitality to communities in every region from Fulton County on the Mississippi River, to Boyd County on the West Virginia-Ohio border. I like to say thank you to all our manufacturers and to their employees. This story of Team Kentucky, of fighting an international pandemic, and thus far doing better than most, has come down to all of us sacrificing, and all of us stepping up, when we need it the most. Or manufacturers, surely have.
• Second, Homeland Security Grants, today, we're announcing $3M in homeland security grants that will enhance the safety and preparedness of 25 communities across the Commonwealth. The funding comes from the US Department of Homeland Security State Homeland Security Grant Program, and it helps local governments prepare for, and counter, acts of terrorism. In the COVID-19 pandemic, it's taught us that the value of being prepared can be the difference between life and death. These much needed grants will help Kentucky communities plan for, respond to, and recover from events that we pray will never happen. This year Kentucky's Office of Homeland Security will administer $3,084,888 of these grants to the city and county governments, school districts, hazardous material teams, Emergency Medical Services law enforcement agencies, and an area Development district. So grants were awarded in five categories: cybersecurity enhancement (including election security), emergent threats, soft targets, crowd spaces (including election security), communications, and first responders. Those receiving awards included Marshall County Fiscal Court, Jeffersontown, Johnson County Fiscal Court, Pike County Fiscal Court, Hart County Fiscal Court, Butler County Fiscal Court, Paducah, Lexington-Fayette County Urban Government, Georgetown, Trimble, Davis, and Lyon County Fiscal Courts, the Lyon County Board of Education, Louisville Metro Government, Cumberland Valley AD (That's the AD district), Paintsville, and Hallsville. I want to thank all of our homeland security officials and experts for what they do. And let's remember. While we have been focused on COVID-19. And we face other crises like our drug crisis, domestic terrorism has been on the rise in this country, it is one of our greatest security threats. And we know that not only can be in the form of individuals, but also hate groups that are out there and they're in this state too. So thank you to all of those working in Homeland Security to try to make sure that terrible events don't happen in Kentucky, but when they do we respond appropriately.
• Alright, Kentucky tourism: “Stay close. Go far”. That's the new marketing campaign for the Kentucky Department of Tourism, which is the perfect message as we stay in Kentucky to protect ourselves and those we care about during COVID-19. Through this ad campaign we want to encourage Kentuckians to safely experience adventures here at home, while helping our economic recovery by pushing our dollars into our own tourism businesses. Road trips are a great way to explore the roads less traveled and explore the unique experiences right here in our own backyard. Kentuckians can also learn about history and the beauty of the Commonwealth, which is a perfect adventure for kids still doing online instruction. Kentucky is a versatile destination. We have lakes, mountains, forests, bourbon distilleries, historic distilleries, historic battlefields and sites, horse farms, unique cities and towns, and so much more. We encourage Kentuckians to “Stay close. Go far” and find a new place to explore close to home by following along with #TravelKYRoadtrip. I can tell you that my family and I have been venturing out, and experiencing, Franklin County. Whether it is a battlefield site from the Civil War, which we climbed up to here in Frankfort that most don't know about or I didn't, to the Josephine Sculpture Park which we went to here this last weekend. They are great family outings and they impact our local economy.
• Mask up KY: Both Dr. Stack and I are going to talk during the COVID update about how we have to step up our mask wearing. But while we talk about that, sometimes we don't give credit to those that are doing such a great job and are doing the right thing every time. So first.
  • On today's winners which we will be reaching out to, and offering one of our Team Kentucky masks. We have Ashley Adams, who has masked up and casting her vote. Remember, this week is your last time that you can request an absentee ballot. Can you put up the deadlines? Make sure you get online and request your absentee ballot this week, if you're concerned about COVID, you can request it by October the 9th. And if this has come in the mail, make sure that you fill it out appropriately. There is an internal envelope and an external envelope. So you have to fill out your ballot which is two sides, right? You put it in the envelope, seal it, but then you have to sign the inner envelope. You then put it in the outer envelope, which you also have to sign. We want to make sure your vote counts. So you’ve got to fill out your ballot, seal it in the inner envelope, and sign the inner envelope. Seal that in the outer envelope and sign the outer envelope. We will go through this again, but the most important thing for you to do is get online, request your absentee ballot, and I would say that if you're requesting it now, you very much want to consider putting it in a drop box, as opposed to just putting it back in the mail. I want to thank Ashley Adams, (if we go back to that) for doing two civic duties: wearing her mask and voting, that's a twofer.
  • Alright, next. This is a group here in Louisville that is offering a generous match-gift challenge last week. Dropping off a bunch of their clients daily need items to help those who need it during this time of COVID. Again, they're doing two great things here are wearing a mask, which helps their fellow human being, their neighbors, and they're helping their fellow human being, and their neighbors.
  • Alright. And finally, this is pretty special. And we appreciate her willing to share this. So this is in the Kenton County School District. But this is Amanda, talking about K. K is disabled and doesn't like to be touched. But they worked with some incredible therapists and wonderful teachers in the Kenton County School District for over a month, so she said that she could mask up. I want you to read this next part, and keep her classmates safe. If she can do it. You can do it too. Think about all the excuses that some make, to not put on a mask and think about K. Think about all the people around her. Think about what this means, if K can do it. You can do it too.
• Alright, next up is Amy Cubbage, Amy is going to give us an update on UI. We're going to start using, here forward, two podiums that we have here in the rotunda, it's another effort for us to space out, and to ensure that we're following all the best protocols.
• Okay, we're gonna use one podium today and we will switch to two podiums tomorrow.
• Where are you, Kenneth?
• Good afternoon, and as the governor said I'm here to give an update on unemployment insurance. Just so that we all understand the constraints that our Office of Unemployment Insurance works under, this is essentially a federal program. There are some state statutes that apply, but we are bound by federal rules, whether we're talking about traditional unemployment, and definitely when we're talking about pandemic unemployment assistance, the additional $600 that was paid earlier in the pandemic, as well as the lost wages assistance that's being paid through FEMA. So while we would love to be able to pay everyone who needs it, we have to abide by the rules that are set in place. And just so you have a little bit of a gauge of what we're talking about, just for the pandemic related programs, I have a binder in my office that's this thick and I add to it at least once a week with new guidance from the Department of Labor. So this is something where we have to abide by the rules. So unfortunately, we can't pay everyone. And just so people understand some various reasons why you might not qualify for unemployment insurance under the traditional program. If you voluntarily quit your job, you're not going to qualify for unemployment. If you're terminated for misconduct, you would not qualify for unemployment. If you didn't have sufficient wages in the prior 18 months, unfortunately, you will not qualify for unemployment. That's because it's an insurance program. So it's very different, and if you haven't dealt with unemployment before, you would not probably understand that it's not something you automatically qualify for if you're out of work. On top of that, not everyone who is out of work right now qualifies for the backup pandemic unemployment assistance program that was set up in the CARES Act. Obviously there's base eligibility criteria related to the pandemic. But unfortunately fear of getting COVID is not enough to qualify, that is specifically given to us from the US Department of Labor. If you have a doctor's note that says it's not safe for you to work during the pandemic that would qualify you, but if you simply feel like it's unsafe for you to work outside the office, without that doctor's note, we cannot apply, we cannot approve a PUA claim, straight from Department of Labor. Inability to get a job because of the pandemic is not enough. Quitting because of lack of COVID precautions at your employer might be enough, but that would be subject to a fact-finding and again if the employer is abiding by CDC and Healthy at Work guidance then we couldn't approve your claim, even if you were not comfortable with what your employer's doing. So there are a lot of rules that we have to abide by in approving claims and also an investigating the claims, because all of these reasons, we just talked about with give rise to something called a disputed claim and I know I've talked about before how those disputed claims, both require a fact-finding investigation and then that determination letter. So all of these reasons are why you might not have seen your unemployment claim approved yet, why you may not have seen your letter, because it just takes a while to sort through all of these things. And just for some comparison numbers for you, as far as how many people get denied, we are actually denying fewer claims during the pandemic than we were before the pandemic. Our pre-COVID numbers over the year prior to the pandemic: about 34% of claimants did not qualify for unemployment. Right now it's down to about 25%, because of some slight loosening of the restrictions, and that includes the PUA claims. Our eligible claims payment rate is level with the pre-pandemic numbers which is about 80%. That means about 80% of the claims that can be paid have been paid. And there could be various reasons why a claim hasn't been paid. It could mean that you didn't request your payment in- even though you're eligible, you might not have requested it properly. We might have to get wages from another state, or we might have to process overpayments and offsets. So there can be a lot of reasons why that 20% haven't been paid. But just so everyone knows the Office of Unemployment Insurance, though it was hit with record numbers of claims, has paid in excess of $4.1B in benefits to date to Kentuckians. And those benefits get spent in our economy at all of our small, medium, and large businesses and they have an economic impact multiple times more than that $4.1B number.
• A couple of other notes before I talk about lost wages. There have been some periodic system outages- the last couple of weekends and including yesterday, that's been due to some server issues, please be patient. We understand that that is difficult for you if you're trying to get on and request a payment; but we're working through them and we will attempt to keep the system up as much as we can in light of those server issues. We know a lot of people are starting to run out of initial UI benefits, since those only last for 26 weeks. There are extended benefits available as a video on the website that will explain how to apply for those benefits. So if you go to the https://kcc.ky.gov/ website, you can see that video and see how to apply for those.
• We are still assessing the feasibility of reopening in-person services through the career centers or otherwise, we hope to have more information on that possibility soon, but of course some of that will be dependent on how we do with fighting COVID here in the Commonwealth.

(continued in stickied comment)